Our new friends are giving me a complex

Last Christmas at the condo potluck holiday party, Eric and I made friends with two other young couples who lived in the building. Rosy and Alvin, Brenda and Warren. We've all gotten together a few times now, and the guys have gotten together even more, to play video games and stuff. Everyone is asian (except for Eric, he is not asian).

We get along really well, and they're all extremely nice. At first I thought that we were all about the same age. They had all gotten married recently as well, and they looked like us. But upon further investigation, I was surprised to find that they are all older than us, by like at least 5 years. They are all in their thirties. We, if you don't recall, are in our twenties.

On a side note, every time Alvin calls, he asks if he interrupted us having the sex. He seems to think we have the sex every moment that he doesn't see us. I'm not sure why, maybe he feels that because we are young newlyweds and Eric is white, perhaps the combination makes us uncontrollably randy. We haven't once been having the sex when he calls, but I plan to start telling him that we are, with descriptions.

We went to see a movie together last Tuesday. There is a movie theatre across the street, and so we met in the lobby and walked over as a group. (Carol and Eric: "Hey guys, sorry we're late, we thought Alvin as going to call again or something" Alvin: "Uhhh, sure guys. You sure you weren't in the middle of something else?" Guffaw guffaw)

As we walked over to the theatre, I became acutely aware of a difference between the other girls and myself. They are tiny. They are thirty-something and teeny tiny. Both are normal height, but they have cute little butts the size of cereal bowls. They have trim little waists with no love handles. They have no double chins. They have slim little thighs that don't strain against their jeans like they're trying to escape. Their clothes fit them properly. They look fantastic, and are incredibly successful and kind. They are giving me a complex.

My ass is a monstrosity. My waist is slowly disapearing, widening more every day. I have a double chin the size of a medium banana. My thighs think it's Jigglefest every day, and are definitely straining to escape my jeans. None of my clothes fit.

I'm going to go cry now. I hate you Rosy and Brenda. (I'm going to be embarrassed about saying that if they start reading my blog...but I guess I'll tear down that bridge when I blorpingly roll into it.)

Homecoming 2006

Carol's News is Unimpressive
Every year at homecoming, we run into billions (yes, billions!) of old friends and acquaintances. It's lovely to see everyone again, and to "catch up". Everyone asks "So what are you up to? What's new?" Husby and I started working after graduation, and didn't go on to do masters/med school/law school/PhDs/teaching in Japan. Still, the last two years were easy. First we were all "We're engaged!". Then we were all "We got married!". This year, the exciting news dried up.

Old Friend/Acquaintance: Oh my god, CAROL! (*hug hug kiss kiss*) How are you?
Carol: I'm good!! (*hug hug kiss kiss*) How are you?
OF/A: Not too bad, not too bad...So what are you up to? What's new?
Carol: Well actually, since you ask, Staples had this great Back to School sale a couple weeks ago, and I bought a new box of crayons!
OF/A: ...
Carol: Yeah! It's a huge one, like 96 colours. I'm not even joking. It was...let's see...it was only about six dollars. Yeah. So I've been working on my colouring books since then. I have two, a Care Bears one and a Disney Princesses Dreams Come True one.
OF/A: Huh.
Carol: Yeah, it's been awesome. What are you up to? What's new?
OF/A: I'm finishing up medical school and I've discovered a cure for cancer.
Carol: Good times.

Eric Discovers Something Special and Tender
Our (hot hot) friend Brandon came up for homecoming this year. Now at the risk of sounding totally condescending, I consider Brandon as my pet. He was frosh when my friend Peggy and I were in fourth year, and he was like our hot little baby boy. We loved him and took care of him when he drank too much. Since we graduated, Peggy's gone away (yes, to medical school), and Eric and I have adopted Brandon together. I now consider Brandon to be mine and Eric's pet, but mostly mine because he belonged to me first. We plan to eventually adopt him and have him live with us forever.

Brandon drove up to Kingston on Friday night, and came over to drink. We were all sitting around, and Brandon wanted to go to a party. I didn't want to go, because I was already hungover from drinking in the afternoon. So Brandon wanted Eric to go with him. The two of them set off at 11:00pm, in search of boozin' good times.

Long story short, one of the girls (TheHippie of ThePeach fame) with whom we were staying was going to her fake boyfriend's house to get some booty. And by booty I mean ass. And by ass I mean raunchy porno sex. So she had said that we could sleep in her unoccupied bed. Brandon was supposed to be staying elsewhere.

At 3:00am, when Eric had still not returned, I decided to go to bed. I got into TheHippie's bed and fell asleep. Eric and Brandon both returned later, and apparently immediately removed their clothes. Eric then began stalking around the abode, looking for me as I wasn't on the futon. I saw him tiptoe up and down the hall outside TheHippie's room in naught but his boxers. Then he stuck his head into the room. I could see him straining in the dark to see who was in the bed.

Carol: It's me
Eric: (whispering) Honey, it's okay! YOU SLEEP HERE. I'm going to go SLEEP WITH BRANDON.
Carol: .......Okay. The sleeping bags are here on the floor, why don't you-
Eric: (whispering) It's okay! WE WON'T BE NEEDING THEM.
Carol: .......uhh...
Eric: (whispering) Okay, goodnight!
Carol: ........uh, goodnight.

I thought to myself, boy this will make a great gay story in the morning. Then I went to sleep.

In the morning, I woke up and went into the living room. There lay both sexy boys, looking sleepy but happy. Both wearing nothing but their boxers, with tiny blankets pulled up only to their waists. Brandon lay on his back, head resting on his hand, gazing up at Eric. Eric lay on his side, propped up on his elbow, his free arm drapped lazily across his front, hand resting inches from Brandon's dewy skinned body, smiling down at Brandon. I stopped in the doorway.

Carol: "Well....this looks gay and cozy."

Both chuckled. Neither moved. Other people came in the room and stared. Then they both got up. They had showers. They shared a towel. Then Eric drove Brandon to the house where he was supposed to be staying, so Brandon could get a fresh change of clothes. They were gone for almost an hour.

Nothing takes an hour in Kingston. Nothing except gay sex.

At the Portsmouth Tavern, Eric and Brandon sat next to each other with their heads together, and had many chuckles and quiet conversations. The rest of us made comments about their apparent sweet new love for one another. Both laughed. Neither moved.

At one point, I had finished my first drink, and so had Eric. Eric got up to go to the bar...and came back with a drink for himself, and A DRINK FOR BRANDON. Nothing for me! Everyone noticed.

"Hey Eric, you buy a drink for your boyfriend, but not for your wife??!!"

Later that night, Eric sat me down.

Eric: Hey honey, you don't really mind about the whole Brandon thing, do you? Like, it doesn't really bother you, does it?
Carol: (breezy) No, haha. No it totally doesn't bother me, I was just kidding.
Eric: Okay, good. Because you know, it's not really a big deal. Last night was kind of crazy, and you know, it was just that one thing led to another...

Yes. Eric has indeed Discovered Something Special and Tender with Brandon. My hot little baby boy pet is now obviously Eric's Hot Little Baby Boy Pet Ass Humper.

Finally, I just checked and:
ThePeach Already Told Most of My Planned ThePeach Stories
So you can read them here and I can go eat my leftovers from the weekend. I sound so cool in her blog. Guess which one is me! ThePeach's hair and rack (not to be confused with "hairy rack") are out of this world. This never more evident than this weekend when she lost her bra and her boobs looked like perfection.

I wonder if I got her to dance for Eric with her boobs, whether he would forget Brandon?

I will end with a spontaneous haiku.
Coming Home to Queen's
Eating deepfry till I puke
Now my husband's gay

This is so far one of the shittiest weeks ever

It probably started out with the sketchy sushi place. Last week was a pretty intense sushi week. Gloria took us out on Thursday, Luke and Cathy took us out on Friday, then we went out on our own on Sunday. I've eaten a lot of sushi in my time, and I think I have become a little reckless with my sushi consumption. Though I prattle and preach about the dangers of eating at a bad sushi restaurant, the truth is that I don't really think I'll get sick. I've never gotten sick off of sushi before.

On Thursday, we went to Crazy Sushi. It's a great place, a little on the pricey side, but clean and delicious. On Friday, we went to Sakura. Eric had discovered Sakura during his lunchtime quests to bring me sushi rolls. The rolls had been decent, so we decided to go to the restaurant proper for dinner. I walked in and was immediately sketched out. The carpets were very dirty. I think the words I'm looking for are "horribly filthy". But it was busy, and we were there with Luke and Cathy, plus we had eaten their rolls for lunch and never gotten sick. So we trekked on, ate a delicious dinner, then went home to watch Gone with the Wind, which Luke was finally made to understand, is NOT a musical, and NOT to be confused with The Sound of Music. No problems.

On Sunday, after a weekend of working at the wedding show out by the airport for our wedding photographer Janet, we wanted sushi again. I was on a wasabi rampage. So we decided with a shrug to go back to Sakura. It was run by Korean people, so they gave you kimchi and a bunch of other free appetizers to go with your meal.

This time, I had to go pee really badly, so I went before we ordered. And oh LORD the washroom was nasty. And here's the particularly disgusting part. which I haven't even told Eric yet - there was NO SOAP BY THE SINK. I shit you not. I was very tired and very hungry and very stupid, so something prevented me from insisting that we leave right away. So I got some Purell out of my purse, we stayed, we ordered, we ate. Nothing tasted weird, though to be fair, I drenched everything in wasabi.

About an hour and a half later, I was feeling weird. Not puking weird, but a little achey in the tummy, with a headache, and a funny feeling about my body. I went poo right before bed. My poo smelled like cow manure. It was gross.

I had a terrible night. I tossed and turned and kept having weird vivid dreams. In the morning, I felt horrible all over. But I was very tired and very stupid, and I got in the shower, got dressed. I got a stomache ache right before I left the house, and went to the washroom. I was greeted by the gross feeling of chunky liquid poo squirting out of my butt in a continuous stream, then I went to work. At work, my stomach churned as my head throbbed and my body ached. I went to the washroom, and the feeling of pulling down my underwear felt as though I was dragging a brush made out of small sharp needles across my hips. This was followed by more squirting liquid chunky poo. I whimpered at my desk and did my work. Then, as pains started shooting up my abdomen, I decided fuck it, I'm going home.

At home, I slept all afternoon and woke up with a fever, and a body so hurty that sitting down perfectly still was painful. I forced Eric to gently massage my feet, my calves, my thighs, my hands, over and over again to try to make them feel better. I went poo, and it smelled like vomit. LIKE VOMIT!!! It was disgusting. I told Eric he should go and smell it. He declined.

This morning, I was awoken with a giant giant stomach ache. It felt like something with sharp tentacles was pulling at my insides from all angles. I went poo. It was drippy and nasty and continuous and my stomach ache would not go away. I tried to go back to sleep, but was awoken every 20 minutes or so by the pain, and had to go sit on the toilet for ten minutes, crying. This continued until about 1:30pm. Then the pain subsided, and I only had to go to the washroom every 2 hours or so.

Then Eric came home and fussed over me. I was just starting to feel cherished and cared for when someone in the building decided they hated me and did something to set off the fire alarms. The loud blaring sounds cut through my headache, straight into my brain where they proceeded to rape and pillage everything they touched. On and off and on and off for about 15 minutes. Then the firetrucks came, and said they were investigating the problem. Nothing else came of it, but it's nice to know that when the fire alarm goes off in the building, we will just sit here and wait to burn.

I hope I can return to work tomorrow, as I need to remind my boss that he said I could have this Friday off for Queen's Homecoming. Though if my insides are still trying to murder me, and I have to go shit cloudy glops of vomit from my ass every half hour, I don't see how I will possibly be able to go.

And now I'm sitting here writing this miserable blog post. I hope that you clicked on this site, noticed there was a new post, and settled in hoping that it would be entertaining and fun. I hope that you found it was boring with a touch of gross, and that you feel as pissed off as I do.

I'm not even going to end with a haiku. I'm just going to end abruptly, like this.

I could be in FHM

Last week while at work, my friend Jen messaged me on MSN. Not that I do that at work or anything.

Jennifer - haus hunter: "Our friend left his FHM magazine here last night. You should hear some of these quotes!"

Carol - Exhausted and devoid of pig: "Okay, like what?"

Jen went on to quote ridiculous things apparently said by women, likely taken out of context to make all females look like Horny McSlutty Hos who love to be naked when no one is around to judge them. I laughed and scoffed.

"My breasts are the greatest funbags of all time"

"The minute I hear music, I just have to grind my hips"

"We did girlie stuff, like throwing our underwear out the window"

"I've had sex in the sea. It's dangerous but worth the risk"

"My favourite underwear is lingerie-a nice thong with a really skimpy bra-although I went to a party the other week in a really tight dress, so I had to go commando. But then I do walk around the house naked a lot, so I'm used to it"

Wait a second...

"I only wear bikinis to do my housework- in bed I take everything off"

Waaaait a second!!

Turns out, I'm a Horny McSlutty Ho. And so is my old roommate Gloria. We could totally be in FHM. These would be my quotes:

My roommate and I used to sit around the house naked together with the windows open

We would eat cheese too, but that's neither here nor there. It was really hot sometimes in September, and we didn't have the air conditioner plugged in. Plus it was just way more comfortable. I remember the first day Gloria came home from class, and I was watching FoodTV in naught but my thong, bare ass-cheeks pressed against her futon. She came in. She looked at me. I looked at her. I said "What, it's hot." And she shrugged and said "Okay", and took off her clothes.

I've had sex in a waterfall. It was loud, and you get lake water up your yoohoo, but it's worth the risk.

Because then you get to tell people you did it in a waterfall. Actually, I was terrified of drowning, I'm not a very good swimmer.

We wore bikinis to do housework - in bed, Gloria takes everything off. I know because I used to get into her bed in the mornings to snuggle.

Gloria came up with the idea of wearing her bikini to clean the shower. I think she didn't want bathroom cleaner to accidentally splash on her yoohoo or nipples. I usually cleaned the kitchen, and thus did not need a bikini. But she didn't want to be the only one wearing a bikini, so I would change into mine as well. As for the naked lesbian snuggling, what can I say - she was a good snuggler, and she had a heating pad in her bed. And I'm a whore for snuggles.

When we got too stressed out from studying and needed a break, we would change into our bikinis, put on some good fun music, and do a couple of shots while bouncing around the apartment. One time, Gloria set up her tripod, and we took pictures.

It was a fun way to relax!! And Gloria was experimenting with an old SLR camera that used to belong to her dad. It made perfect sense.

When I dress up, I almost always wax everything bare and go commando

Dresses show panty lines. Especially clingy dresses. And what is the point of going commando in a clingy dress if little half-inch pubic hairs are going to be poking through the material at your crotch?

I will end with a spontaneous haiku.

When you're quick to judge
Who you mock could be yourself
You slutty ho, you