We still got it

Eric and I went to bed late last night. We were both extremely exhausted, me from staying up late on Friday night making spraying penis cakes for a gay wedding shower, and him from staying up with me to consult on the spraying penis cakes. We got into bed and groaned in exhausted unison.

Carol: Oh god, I am sooo tired.

Eric: Meeee too.

Carol: I don't think I have been this tired since Dylan was just born.

Eric: Yeah, I want to sleep for a very long time, I hope Dylan doesn't want to eat tonight.

Carol: Yeah.

Pause

Carol: You wanna do it?

Pause

Eric: Yeah okay.

Pause

Carol: I call bottom.

Eric: I call not doing anything.

No one moves.
5 minutes later.

Carol: Maybe we don't do it.

Eric: Okay.

Dada Is So Inappropriate

Dylan has been teething for about 3 and a half months. It blows because he's basically been soaking every adorable overpriced outfit with drool for that entire time, with nary a tooth to be seen. But a couple weeks ago, Eric put his finger in Dylan's mouth and felt two little pearly whites poking their way through his gums! So cute!!

Dylan loves to snatch at people's fingers and hands and haul them into his mouth for gum-relieving gnawage. This was cute when he only had gums, and all that would happen was that saliva would run down your hand and pool on the floor beneath you. That, and I would bark you with your finger ensconced in my son's pie-hole and demand to know whether you had washed your hands with soap for 15 seconds.

But now that he has these two little teethies, it's a whole new ball game. Those cute little lower incisors are effing sharp!! They're like tiny thin jagged blades, thrusting up just enough to pierce the skin and release small rivulets of blood.

The other day, Eric was playing with Dylan. Dylan had snatched up his Dada's hand and was having a grand time cannibalizing a juicy finger.

Eric: Ow!! Oww oww!! Aww, little guy. You know what would be really bad right now? Putting a penis in his mouth.

Carol: .......

I will end with a haiku that expresses my feelings regarding this story:

Oh my effing god
Please don't call Child Services
He sucks only boobs