Carols

I like Christmas songs. I especially appreciate how they are named after me. I know the holiday season is upon us when I start humming Carols while washing my hands after using the washroom. But there are some Christmas songs that drive me bonkers. While I delight in my own renditions of songs, and numerous recorded versions of old-time favourites, some recorded songs are very very bad. These are the ones I hate the most:

Andy Williams - Happy Holidays/Holiday Season
This song is played in all malls without exception. I don't know who made the decision to include it in the mixed CD for Christmas, but it's just awful. The worst part about it isn't the slightly nauseating melody, but the non-sensical lyrics.

It's the holiday season,
So hoop-de-doo and dickery dock
And don't forget to hang up your sock
'Cause just exactly at 12 o'clock
He'll be comin' down the chimney down

Seeing as this verse comes fairly late in the song, I can only imagine that they ran out of "holiday" lyrics and decided to make up some words. "Hoop-de-doo and dickery dock"? I'll bet they thought of the "sock" line first, and then couldn't think of anything that rhymed with "sock" other than "cock". So they made up some random words instead. And then, what exactly does it mean when he says "He'll be comin' down the chimney down"? I think they just needed another syllable, so they picked a random one-syllable word. Unfortunately for them, they picked a word that occured just three words previously. In any case, it makes no sense, and it makes me crazy.

Britney Spears - Any song she ever recorded for Christmas
Every time I hear a Britney Spears holiday song (ie: My Only Wish), I come away singing to myself, not the song I just heard, but "Sometimes". This is annoying.

The version of "I'll Be Home for Christmas" at Williams Sonoma
So I may have lied - not everything at Williams Sonoma is awesome beyond belief. Their Christmas music mix is overall extremely good, with two exceptions. That awful Andy Williams thing mentioned above, and this rendition of I'll Be Home for Christmas by a woman who sounds like she was constipated on a toilet at the time of the recording. I've actually acted out my interpretation of this song for my colleagues to great acclaim. I kind of squat a little and scrunch up my face and sing along to the recording, drawing on my own past experiences in bowel difficulty. Aside from the attention I get from my performance, I enjoy nothing about this song.

Any version of Coventry Carol
This song, with its haunting melody and creepy "lully lullay" chant at the end of every verse makes me think of worms and death.

That Porky Pig version of "Blue Christmas" they play on CHFI
Enough already.

I don't want to give the impression that I am Scroogey about Christmas songs. There are many that I adore, and would sing all year round if I could! Here are some of my favourite Christmas recordings:

Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is You
This song makes me dance till I'm silly in the head. What's even better is that it also makes Eric dance till he's silly in the head. We like to put it on and dance together till we're both so silly in the head, we need to sit down for some quiet time.

John Rutter and the Cambridge Singers - Candlelight Carol, Angel's Carol
These are wonderful choral pieces by John Rutter, which we sang in high school. The melodies are beautiful, and the Cambridge Singers did recordings of them. I sing these a lot in the shower, and also in the car by myself on the way to work. This simulates early morning soprano sectionals at school where I would sing out of tune with a very tired and gross voice.

Percy Faith - Christmas Is
A cheesy upon cheesy rendition of The Christmas Song, which we also sang in choir. The sheet music was complete with stage instructions, including the point at which a young boy should run onto the stage and open a gift box containing a puppy. I don't actually have a recording of this song, I just sing it a lot - again, in the shower.

Lee Ann Womack - The Man With the Bag
This song is very jaunty and gets me jiving and boogeying. It's nice because this song is also included in the Williams Sonoma Christmas selection. I have a personal problem with the song because for some reason, I like to sing "Everybody's waiting for the man in the bag". I'm pretty sure there's no man in any bag in Christmas tradition and lore but for some reason, it seems to roll off my tongue real nice.

South Park - Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo
I find this song hilarious, and it uses the word "poo" a lot.

Happy final Christmas shopping, and may the malls and restaurants you patronize this season play all carols that don't piss you off.

Egg Fry Rings

It doesn't get any better than this. Egg Fry Rings. We used them this morning, and they rock so hard, I'm going to buy more. So that I can make 8 perfectly round fried eggs at the same time. And then eat them.

The Egg Fry Rings are a Williams Sonoma Exclusive. They are made out of a heavy duty metal, and the rings don't bend. The metal is coated with some kind of non-stick coating, and they slip right off the eggs with little resistance.

I recommend using the Egg Fry Rings with the QuickMist oil sprayer bottle. This oil sprayer distributes a lovely even mist of oil onto the pan. No more puddles of oil for me! Just a fine spray to ensure that my foods won't brown all funny and dull. This sprayer is especially good with my All-Clad double burner griddle, as the oil won't run down into the sides.

Eric and I each consumed two perfectly round fried eggs for breakfast, sandwiched between sections of fresh french baguette. It is now 10:44pm, and we returned from a big dinner at the Scarboro Golf and Country Club not long ago. However, I have just made myself another perfectly round fried egg, sandwiched between sections of fresh french baguette. The yolk burst as I took my first bite and splattered on my face. A small amount also got on my pants. I mopped off my face with the sandwich, thus salvaging the splattered yolk. I am very very full, but very very happy.

Owwwwwwwww

Christmas is fast approaching, and I have accidentally grated off a large chunk of my left index finger with a Microplane Ribbon Grater.

It was a distinctly unpleasant experience. See, we had done some employee-discount shopping at Williams Sonoma, and had invested in a nice collection of Microplane graters. Eric had a real hankering for them back in the summer and wanted one of each kind. So we brought them home, and he proceeded to try to wash them. Well, when it came time to wash the ribbon grater, the cover was stuck! Eric brought it out to the family room where I was innocently and demurely watching tv. I tried to get the cover off a few times and we agreed, it was stuck. But then I had to try one last time. I applied a steady force, and suddenly the cover wrenched loose!

Unfortunately, my left forefinger was roughly pulled by momentum right down the front of the grater. I screamed bloody murder. I jumped up and down. I cried. I don't react well to pain. I quickly ran it under some water...I don't know if I'm supposed to do that. But we had no BandAids or Polysporin, so Eric made me hold a wad of tissue tight against my bloody mangled finger while he ran out to buy some.

When we gingerly pulled back the tissue, we found that it had already crusted up onto the open wound. I had to pry it off, moaning and wheezing the whole time. A large and thick flap of skin/flesh was still attached on one side. Eric made me fold the flap down onto the wound and assured me that the skin would "reattach". I kind of think he made that up. I tried, but the skin had already started to dry out, so it was hard and not very pliable.

Then we bandaged it up, and I've been whimpering about my hurty finger ever since. I am experiencing difficulty typing, washing my hair, and doing dishes of any kind.