Lullaby Parenting Fail

Eric can't carry a tune or keep a beat. This doesn't stop him from enjoying music and singing along to anything he likes, but it does pose some challenges when it comes to singing Dylan bedtime songs. He knows part of an Estonian lullaby his mother used to sing to him, but for the past several months he's been softly singing the Wheels on the Bus song to Dylan. He likes it because you can make it as long or as short as you want, and he started inventing verses with animals once all the usual bus verses are done. For example:

The lion on the bus goes "roar roar roar"

The pig on the bus goes "oink oink oink"

Then he made the questionable decision to invent verses with animals whose sounds he doesn't know, animals like giraffes and hippos. Also, elephants, because although we know the trumpeting sound an elephant makes, it's difficult to sing it in a song. How did he deal with this problem?

The giraffe on the bus goes "giraffe giraffe giraffe"

The hippo on the bus goes "hippo hippo hippo"

The elephant on the bus goes "elephant elephant elephant"

I heard him singing these verses once, and I was all "Did you just teach Dylan that a giraffe says 'giraffe giraffe giraffe'"? But these don't compare with what just happened tonight.

Eric and I were both hanging out with Dylan in his bed and reading books since Lee was being a lovely baby and already sleeping. When we finished all the books, Dylan wanted a song, "Daddy sing a song? No Wheels on the Bus?" Eric turned to me, "I don't know any other songs." I joked, "You know the engineer song" referring to the only song Eric can reliably sing while producing a recognizable melody. It's a song lots of engineers sing, and at Queen's it's a big tradition for engineers to scream this song while drunk, and then all the years take turns singing their unique year verses.

Eric said, "That's kind of inappropriate, isn't it?" I said, "Haha, yeah it is." Then Eric happily started singing in a quiet lullaby voice:

(To the melody of the Battle Hymn of the Republic)

We are we are we are we are we are the engineers

We can we can we can we can demolish forty beers

Drink rum drink rum drink rum drink rum and come along with us

For we don't give a damn for any old man who don't give a damn for us!

Not so bad. But before I could say anything, he tenderly launched into his year verse:

We build the fucking shit that keeps the world a-turning round

We're hardcore motherfuckers and we'll pound you to the ground

The Artsci Farts have got no smarts, the Commies never score

We beat the pit, we are the shit, don't fuck with Sci'04!

That's the last time I plan to make that joke.

(And yes, that's Eric in the middle.)

Halloween, Festival of Poison

Sometimes you raise your children with all the best intentions, and despite your efforts you still manage to screw them up in special, mysterious, and inexplicable ways. Then again, sometimes it's crystal clear why your kids are messed up.

We're pretty picky about how we eat nowadays. Almost all of our food is organic, we try to eat a lot of raw foods, and we avoid sugar like it's poison. Our friends find us insufferable. Sometimes we'll give in and cheat and we inevitably feel disgusting and sick afterwards because our bodies aren't used to it anymore. Dylan sticks to the same plan, and whenever he manages to get his mitts on some real cake or cookies, he gets crazy eyes and runs around like a child possessed.

Halloween was going to be difficult. He has never eaten so much as a single Smartie in his life, let alone any kind of candy bar and we weren't planning on letting him start. For several weeks leading up to Halloween, we psyched him up for his costume and the decorations and the pumpkins. And while we didn't want him eating candy, we did want to take him trick-or-treating. So we told him trick-or-treating was when you put on your Halloween costume and went outside to people's houses. You ring the doorbell, ding dong!, and someone will come open the door. Then you say "Trick or treat!" and hold out your bag. This is the important part: that person will then put a piece of yucky poison into your bag. When you get home, you'll take out all the poison and give it to Daddy to take to the people at work.

He was pretty down with it. He agreed with everything we said, but I have to admit he looked suspicious.

Last night was Halloween. Dylan and Lee were dressing up like skeletons, and our friends Luke and Cathy were coming over with their new baby Ryan who was also going to be a skeleton. We invited all the grandparents and my brother came over too. We ordered (non-organic evil) pizza and I made (non-organic evil) garlic bread. Cathy was a doll and made an organic fruit salad, and her mom brought homemade (non-organic evil) pumpkin muffins. There was wine and beer and a general orgy of gorging - a gorgy, if you will. After the eating and picture-taking, Dylan went out with Eric and my brother to canvas the neighbourhood for poison.

He had a pretty good time. Eric said that he got excited to go up to the houses, and he enjoyed seeing all the other kids out in their costumes. He was also very intrigued that people were giving him things. With every treat that went in his bag, his childish wisdom and intuition told him that this was something very good, that the so-called poison in his bag was in fact something delicious that he would very much like to put in his mouth.

At one house he got a candy bracelet. As they walked away, he pulled it out of his bag and inspected it closely.

Dylan: Dylan eat?

Eric: No Dylan, it's not for eating.

Dylan: Dylan eat?

Eric: No Dylan, remember it's yucky. It's yucky poison.

Dylan: (dubiously) It looks tasty.

Eric: Does it? I think it looks yucky. Hey look, here's another house!

When he came back home, his little treat bag was full of chocolate and candies and chips. Dylan was so excited he immediately emptied the bag onto the large storage ottoman in the front hall to show us all his loot. We oohed and aahed over his stash of poison. Eric and I stressed that it was not for eating because it was yucky poison while our guests struggled not to intervene. He was especially interested in a bag of Doritos.

Dylan: (hopefully) This is so yummy.

Eric: Oh yuck, no. That's spicy and yucky, and it makes you sick! It makes you throw up!

Dylan picked up a (delicious looking) sour key and held it up.

Dylan: Dylan eat?

Carol: No baby, it's not for eating.

Dylan: Dylan want to eat it?

Carol: Why would you want to eat it? It's not food.

Dylan: (suspects he's being lied to) Dylan want to try?

Carol: No, that's silly. Hey, I know! Let's throw it on the floor and stomp on it! Let's throw it on the floor and stomp on it with our feet because it's so gross, and we can sing Gross Gross Gross Poison!!

Luke pulled me aside later and expressed his concern that if we keep up this campaign, Dylan may one day go to school and throw the other kids' candy on the floor and stomp on it. He makes a valid point.