This is what's wrong with me

** To family members who have complained, friends of family members who I don't even know who have complained, and anybody who doesn't generally like to hear about the poo: This post involves my vagina. Stop reading now if this is something that will upset you. Thank you, and quit yer whining.**

I've called in sick for three days now. This isn't really cause for weeping, as my job sucks my soul out of my ass and makes me eat it again through my nose. But I really feel like total shit. My pain is twofold:

1) I Have Some Kind of Virus-y Cold
My body is achey, and I have sneezes and coughs, and much yellow phlegm. My tummy is not overly tolerant, and I also have some slimy slippery diarrhea and gas. I have a perma-headache. This was worse yesterday, and I spent most of the day on the couch watching CSI Miami and feeling sorry for myself. Today, the sneezes are fewer, and the diarrhea is better. The headache is however still kicking my ass. This is the first part.

2) My Vagina is Broken
Eric and I made the sex on Sunday. Nothing overly adventurous, longer than usual but not by much. Nothing was dry or chafey. A fine time was enjoyed by all. I experienced a burning sensation afterwards, but thought nothing of it, as Eric's semen is apparently poison to me, and this burning has occurred before. I sat on the couch moaning and glaring at Eric for the next couple hours, then let it go.

The following morning, after I had already emailed in sick at work due to the cold, I got up to hawk up phlegm and go pee. The feeling of burning ripping searing pain that shot up through my vagina as the stream of urine passed through into the toilet was indescribable! But I will try.

It felt as though someone was taking a rusty saw, and was attempting to widen my vagina with long hard trembling strokes. But before they started sawing, they had taken some gasoline and doused my labia with it, as well as the saw. Then they lit the saw on fire. Then they started sawing.

Before I had gone pee, nothing felt wrong, but after going pee, my poor vagina burned and burned and stung and hurt all day! I called Eric at work and sobbed at him,

Carol: "You ass!! You big sonofawhore!! What kind of STD did you give me, you lying cheating piece of puss-ridden dickface?!! You broke my vagina!!!"

Eric: "Honey, I didn't give you an STD! Call your doctor..."

Carol: "NO!! I'm just going to sit here and DIE!!!"

In an attempt to relieve the pain, my vagina is creating some kind of slippery lubricant, I think to relieve the friction as I attempt to walk from point A to point B. Unfortunately, this lubricant stings all the time. I have found that if I shower and gently cleanse the area with a mild soap, then I can wash it off, and it doesn't sting as much all the time. Which is good. Except that the slippery lubricant also appears to act as a shield for when I pee. For when I've washed off the stinging lubricant, it burns like the ninth circle of hell when I pee (as opposed to the sixth or seventh circle). It's a lose-lose situation.

Also, since I had a virus-y cold thing, I was ravenous and thirsty all the time. But I wanted to avoid drinking any water, so I wouldn't have to endure the torture of urination. This in turn made me dizzy and gave me huge huge headaches. It's been a shitty few days.

And I'm never making the sex with Eric and his killer sperm again.

The Musings in My Mind

1) I like over-microwaved food. I like to zap the shizit out of my food before I eat it. I'm not sure if this is normal. Eric just microwaves his food until it is pleasantly on the hot side of warm, and then he munches away. I usually double his microwave time and then am unable to touch my food for the next 5 minutes at least. But this is the way I like it, for the following reasons:

1. If I am microwaving it, it is probably leftovers, and by heating it up to near-volcanic temperatures, I will kill as much bacteria as possible. This makes me feel safe.
2. I enjoy the nasty chewy crust of dark mass that inevitably forms on the edges and corners of your food when you overmicrowave something like pasta with cheese ie: lasagna. It is salty and unidentifiable and strangely satisfying.
3. I feel that superheating will improve the flavour of my food.

I made a pan of lasagna on Wednesday, and we've been eating it ever since. We got four meals out of it, two lunches and two dinners. For my first lunch lasagna, I took it to the office microwave and set it on high for 4 minutes. It came out sizzling and smoldering, with delicious black chewy crusty edges. But later that night, when I got home and microwaved my dinner portion of lasagna, I used our fancy Panasonic "Sensor Reheat" option. This option usually overheats the food wonderfully. But this time, my lasagna was not mouth-burningly hot, it was just meh-warm, ESPECIALLY in the middle. Plus there were no dark chewy edges and corners. So I put it back in the microwave for a manual 2 minutes on high. Then it burned my tongue.

This is what I think happened: I think that the smoldering cheese on top of the lasagna got hot and melty really quickly. And it sent up heat signals for the "sensor" in the microwave. So therefore, before the body of my lasagna was sufficiently heated to near-volcanic temperatures, the cheese had already sent up enough heat signals that the microwave assumed that it had done its job. Which it hadn't. But the important thing is that now I know for next time, so I can override the sensor crap with my own manual 4 minutes on high.

2) My morning number two time has moved up. I used to go at around 10:30am, every morning. It was a convenient time to take a break. But recently, I've been going sometime between 8:30am and 9:30am. I wonder what is going on?

So this morning, I made a very decent poo. I had eaten one and a half oranges last night. This poo kept its shape quite well, and looked like a healthy snake. I'm not sure what kind of snake, but a plump one, with decent length. The actual poo may not have been a continuous snake, but once I threw the toilet paper in, you couldn't really tell where it broke up in the middle parts.

And then I started thinking of Buffy episodes, specifically of the ones where nightmares come true, or where alternate universes' rules come into play in their own universe. And I started thinking if something strange were to happen like that to me, how gross would it be if I went to the washroom one morning at 9:00am-ish, made a poo that looked like a healthy snake, and then as I was admiring it in the bowl, it came to life and attacked me? A snake of feces! And it would be trying to bite my face with it's poo-teeth, and it would leave poo-marks all over my clothes, like Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo. And I would understandably start screaming, and the poo-snake's head would dart into my mouth and try to stab my tongue with its poo-teeth. And I would try to beat it away, and then I would smush it and it would get all over me, and then I would be covered in poo, with no good explanation of how it happened. I think that would suck a lot.

3) I wake up in the middle of the night to go pee almost every night. The reason is probably because I drink water before going to bed. I know that if I want to avoid going pee in the middle of the night, then I should perhaps consider not drinking water before I go to bed. But I read an article once that said that if I was dehydrated, it would affect the quality of my sleep. So I make sure to drink water before bed. This works out because I'm usually thirsty before bed anyway, which I take to be an indication that I could be dehydrated in the first place.

I usually check the clock when I get up to go pee. On average, it's 2:30am-3:30am. I wake up at 6:00am, so this is a reasonable intermission in my sleep.

But what I hate is when I get to bed late, and then I get up having to pee, and I find that it's 5:50am, and there exists 10 minutes until the alarm is due to go off. This is the worst possible occurance, and it inevitably puts me in a terrible mood. I really really hate when that happens, it makes me angry just thinking about it.

4) Do I love Eric because he's wonderful? Or is he wonderful because I love him? Is he the sweet invention of a lover's dream? Or is he really as wonderful as he seems?

5) I used to be quite nice looking. I would go so far as to say that I was "cute and pretty", possibly even "cute and sexy", depending on what I was wearing. But since I've gained this weight, I'm quite sure that I've traversed through the lands of "cute and pretty" and "cute and sexy" to "plump and pleasant". I'm still pleasing to the eye overall, but "plump and pleasant" is definitely a more accurate label. I'm not sure I've made my peace with that yet. It may really be time to go back to the gym, because I was hoping I wouldn't hit "plump and pleasant" until my 60's. I enjoy being a girl, I'll have to try harder to maintain my girlish figure, rather than proceed to a matronly girth so quickly. Noted to self.

***********Bonus Game***********

Identify the three Broadway songs mentioned or alluded to in this blog post, and the shows from whence they came.