Good Mother

Last night we were at the gym with our friend Chris Robb. In between half-hearted attempts to eliminate my sagging wrinkled paunch, we talked about the gathering to come the following night at our condo. We are holding a How I Met Your Mother tv marathon night, and most people are excited because we have episodes that no one has seen as a result of our filthy downloading. Chris was pumped about the wild tv-watching times to be had, and we shared this conversation:

Chris: "I could bring margarita mix!"

Carol: "We have some margarita mix in the freezer."

Chris: "I see. Well I could bring the tequila!"

Carol: "Hmm, I'm pretty sure we have tequila too."

Chris: "I see. Well then I will come and drink your margaritas and tequila!"

I got home and checked our ridiculously well-stocked liquor cabinet (I have no idea how we got such a well-stocked liquor cabinet. My theory is that the bottles are having babies.) and it turned out we did not have a a single drop of tequila in there. So this morning I loaded Dylan into his stroller and off we went across the street to Bayview Village.

Bayview Village on a weekday is a positive mecca for two distinct types of people: mommies with babies, and the elderly. However, no members of either population tend to frequent the LCBO. I picked up a large bottle of tequila and grabbed two bottles of wine while I was at it. At the checkout, the cashier looked at me, looked at my booze, then at my baby, then at my booze, then at my baby, then at my booze, then at me.

Carol: "Yeah, we're gonna get shmammered."

And that, my friends, is what it means to be a good mother.

Happy Anniversary! To Us!

Hellooooooo Blogosphere!!

So wow, my last post was just over six months ago. Huh. Well when you put it that way, I can understand why people have been writing this blog off as dead.

All I can say is that I pushed out a new human, tearing my vagina in the process (about an inch - "not too bad" according to the nurse. Eff you, nurse!!), and have since been occupied as the primary careprovider for said new human. It is difficult to get up the energy and motivation to blog! Rest assured though, I have thought of you many times. Like the time I was sleeping in my own bed and was awoken by the sound of the baby taking a giant crap over the monitor. And like the time he crapped all the way up his back to his shoulders, and all the way out one leg down his calf and then put his hands in it while I was trying to clean him up. And like the time he vomitted in my mouth. And like the time I had sex with Eric for the first time since the birth, but only did it because it was his birthday and I had forgotten to get him a present, but then realized after I put out that I had promised to let him get laser hair removal on his butt, but it was too late cause I had already let him do it. You can now consider youselves caught up!

But wait, formal introductions: Readers, meet Dylan Luke Johnston. He is a boy. He is cute as hell. He was not named after Beverly Hills 90210. It was an unfortunate coincidence.

But today! Today is an important day, and seems to be an appropriate day to blog. For today is our 3-year anniversary! Later I will be dropping Dylan off at my parents' place, and Eric and I will be going to a seafood restaurant to get shitfaced on oysters.

I am taking this opportunity to change the name of the blog. I feel that three years of marriage in which a baby has been manufactured no longer qualifies as a "Newlywed" stage. "In the Life of Newlyweds" will henceforth be known as "Keeping Up With The Johnstons". Geddit? Geddit??? As in you check the blog to "keep up" with events in our lives!! Clever, yes? Bwafwafwafwafwa!!

And that's all for now! It's a lame post, but it's just the beginning! The beginning of a new beginning of great things to come.

I will end with a pair of haikus that summarize the last 5 months:

"Push", the doctor said
Thus my genitals were torn
Eric says it's fine

"Wahh", wee Dylan cries
Nectar spurts forth from my breasts
Poo, my baby, poo