Today I am 35 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, where a resident swabbed my vagina and bumhole for potentially lethal bacteria. Eric came with me and watched while my anus was violated. Then we went and had breakfast. We came home and each checked our emails, then cleaned various parts of the condo. Eric got out his two hair trimmers and trimmed all the hair off his body. I used the precision trimmer and helped him to shave his bum and inside his bumcrack and marveled at the new smooth hairlessness of his buttocks. We opened our new Dyson vaccuum cleaner and marveled at its truly impressive suction abilities. I played some Zack and Wiki on the Wii. We had an afternoon snack of tapenade and oiled toasted baguette slices. Eric cleaned the kitchen while I played yet some more Zack and Wiki on the Wii. Then we decided to take a nap.We proceeded to the bedroom where we closed the blinds, stripped to our undergarments, and turned off the lights. We slipped under the covers and sighed at the comforting bliss of smooth cool sheets against our bodies in the mid-afternoon. We snuggled and chatted about inconsequential things.
One thing led to another, and soon we were having afternoon sexy sex. Now, afternoon sexy sex used to be much more sexy. When we were both younger, lustier, more energetic, these mid-day romps were feats of acrobatic prowess and porn-like theatrics. These days, considering the large and prominent dome of extra human on my torso, sexy sex is much less sexy and much more practical. We need to do it so that Eric's balls don't fall off, and so that I feel mollified that I am still a sexually desirable woman, despite the fact that I fart every four minutes and that I have no idea what my pubic area looks like because I haven't bothered to look in over two months. This means it probably looks like a tropical rainforest of hair.
However, this round of sexy sex looked to be promising. Eric was feeling hot because of the new smooth hairlessness of his buttocks. I had showered an hour earlier and my vagina felt minimally leaky. We got adventurous and engaged in multi-position sexy sex. We did pregnant-woman-on-top, pregnant-missionary, pregnant-doggy-style, and the one that ruined it all: pregnant-doggy-style-with-vibrator.
Pregnant-doggy-style-with-vibrator seemed like a good idea at first. Lately, the sequence of sexy sex events consisted of Eric getting his groove on first, then Carol getting her groove on with a vibrator. Therefore, if Eric could get his groove on from behind his pregnant doggy wife (there is a bitch joke in here somewhere), and Carol could get her groove on at the SAME TIME with a vibrator out in front, then everyone wins and all parties involved can proceed to the napping portion of the event that much faster. Excellent situation all around!
Unfortunately, this is where the sexy sex became awkward sex. I found it immensely difficult to hold myself up with one arm/hand while clutching the vibrator to my genitals with the other. However, since I had announced that I was going to get out the vibrator, and Eric had enthusiastically agreed, I felt obligated to make this work. So as he grunted along behind me, I lay with my face smushed against the bed, one arm futilely trying to support my upper body, swollen belly pushing against the bed, while the other hand held the vibrator. As this went on, my legs started to slide apart further and further until I was spread facedown, on my knees, balancing on my unborn child as though it were an exercise ball, and numbing my vagina with incessant vibration.
What followed was a blur of sexy sex activity, where the vibrator wasn't being so helpful, so we abandoned that idea, and Eric ended up satisfied, collapsed at the end of the bed. I hopped out to go pee, having learned my lesson about not peeing after sexy sex, and Eric got in the shower to soap up and rinse off.
I headed back into the bedroom to possibly lounge in bed and doze off a bit, when I noticed a large wet spot on the bed where all that sexy sex had just occurred. It was a very large wet spot.
Carol: "Oh my god! Eric!!"
Eric: "What??"
Carol: "Did I PEE during the sexy sex?"
Eric: "No, of course you didn't."
Carol: "But there's a BIG WET SPOT on the bed!"
Eric: "Maybe that was...you know, me?"
Carol: "It does not look like you."
I went back to investigate the wet spot.
Carol: "ERIC!!"
Eric: "What??"
Carol: "DO YOU THINK MY WATER BROKE??"
Eric: "No! No, I'm sure that's not what happened!"
Carol: "BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
Eric: "Well, I think there would have been a lot more water."
Carol: "But SOMETIMES it comes a little bit at a time! Or at a constant trickle!! Did you poke a hole in my uterus?? Oh why oh why did we have sexy sex??"
I had now gotten my hands on a large wad of toilet paper and was frantically swiping at my vagina, trying to see if there was more water coming out. However, I had also broken into a cold sweat, so it was difficult to tell what the moisture was. Eric suggested we go to the hospital to check, and I thought this might be overkill. He agreed, and said that it probably wasn't my water breaking. I countered that by asking HOW DID HE KNOW?? He said he didn't know. That's when I came up with a great idea.
Carol: "Can you SNIFF the wet spot and see if it's pee?"
Eric: (sigh) "Yes."
So I watched as he leaned over the bed and took a great big sniff of the wet spot.
Eric: "Euuuuuueeaaaurrrghh!!!! Yes, that is pee."
Carol: "OH YAY!! YAY!!! IT'S PEE!! You didn't poke a hole in the baby!!"
Eric: "Yeah. Haha, you peed on the bed!!"
Carol: "Even better, I peed on your CROTCH in the bed!!"
Eric bent over and sniffed the bed again.
Carol: "Ugh! Why are you doing that again???"
Eric: "Euuuuaaaeurgh!! Oh yeah, that's pee."
Carol: "You're gross, why did you smell that again??"
And that is the story of the hottest sex ever. Eric is now washing the sheets.
