What I Did On The Weekend

O Canada.

I love Canada Day long weekend. It's so festive and exciting. Last year, we didn't celebrate Canada Day so much as we celebrated Luke and Cathy's Canada Day Wedding, and then woke up the next morning to move into our new condo, hungover like shit. Because shit can get really hungover...like over the toilet bowl, hanging from your butthole...or something.

So this year we were determined to make up for lost time - by taking a five day weekend!!

THURSDAY NIGHT
We left Toronto at 6:30pm, and started driving to Kingston. An hour earlier, I had scored sleeping arrangements at a friend's house...I should probably call her TheHippie here, because ThePeach's blog calls her that, and ThePeach seems to have a thing for anonymity. Because she is a movie star assassin. From Africa. Though...does this ruin anything if I say I'm driving to Kingston? Whatever, this is my blog, and I say screw you anonymity! SCREW YOU!!

So we drove into Kingston, and went directly to Greco's, the tastiest place on Earth. Greco's is our FAVOURITE restaurant. Did you see the bold capital letters? We LURVE Greco's. We lurve Greco's so much, that a week after we got engaged, we drove to Kingston to tell the people at Greco's we had gotten engaged. We lurve them so much, we should have married them instead of each other.

We had planned to pop in for a quick dinner, because it was about 9:00pm by the time all the kissy kissy hellos were finished, and we were sitting down. And we had to meet up with TheHippie. Well, one thing led to another, and we ended up doing the full-blown Greco's experience, complete with extensive overeating and the drinking of a beautiful bottle of Cormon's Pinot Grigio. The owner sat down and had a drink with us. Our waiter sat down and had a drink with us. I ate till I was sick. I stumbled out of there with a great buzz and a stomach distended out to the harbour. I was sexy.

We met up with TheHippie and ThePeach at TheSketchySketchyBarNamedAfterATropicalBird. Having drinks and chatting with ThePeach and TheHippie is FUN TIMES! They have exciting and hilarious stories which are so very entertaining when acted out. Not to mention, ThePeach's metro doctor boyfriend FauxHawk got to meet my metro programmer husband Eric, and I swear they were flirting a bit. FauxHawk might have turned Eric on to expensive shaving accoutrements. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

In any case, we left TheSketchySketchyBarNamedAfterATropicalBird way later than planned, and went back to TheHippie's place for slumber. ZzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

FRIDAY
We woke up early, around 8:00am. Sick, I know. TheHippie had to drive to her cottage, so we were booting it out of there so as not to be overly inconvenient...I was rather hungover from the moderate drinking the night before, and I just wanted to hang out somewhere and relax. Eric the Sadist Husband, on the other hand, wanted to hike it up and down Princess Street four times! I was too tired and confused to put up a fight until we had walked up and down that street so much my legs were starting to shake. We went to an open air market, bought some jams and honeys, went to another fav restaurant (Stooley's), and ate club sandwiches and onions rings and awesome awesome fries. I went poo in the Indigo bookstore along Princess, because I REALLY had to go. There is a gross story associated with going poo at Indigo. I won't go into detail here, but it involves not enough water in the bowl, and a medium-large pile of Greco's Stuffed Trout poo that sat on the dry part and was difficult to flush down, even after eight flushes. But I won't go into detail.

We left Kingston at around 1:00pm and headed towards Ottawa. Whoohoo Ottawa!! We got lost a couple times. Eric missed the exit. And it had nothing to do with my directions.

After meeting up with Rob the Halfie Environmentalist Accountant at his house, he took us to a BBQ at his parents place. Does this sound weird to you? Because it was kind of random. We were going to be staying with Rob for most of the weekend though, and we figured if he had family commitments, we don't mind tagging along. And hello, BBQ at a halfie house. Fun times! Rob neglected to mention that there would be a HUGE group of family there, complete with halfie babies running around everywhere. We met a lot of Rob's extended family. They're really funny and blunt and have funky attitudes. It was really quite fun, and really quite adorable. And really quite extra random.

On a somewhat related note, I have a new girlcrush: Rob's sister Kyla is awesome!! She's gorgeous and confident and incredibly nice. I really want her to think I'm cool. I hope she doesn't read this.

After the Halfie House Hijinx, we went back to Rob's house with Kyla and her man-friend. We watched Monty Python Holy Grail until most people were asleep. Then we retired to our rooms for slumber. ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

SATURDAY
This day was long, somewhat random, and almost neverending. I woke up and found Rob in the basement watching boring boring sports. I sat and pretended to watch it to be polite. I don't know why I bothered, I think I was groggy from having just woken up. My efforts paid off though, because after that, he made us breakfast. That man makes some wicked overeasy eggs with bacon. He should teach seminars!

What followed was a random stream of events involving food and alcohol. For example, Kyla came over, we made a lasagna, we made slushie girlie drinks with rum, Rob made way too many BBQ burgers, people came over, we had to learn their names, we ate burgers, we drank slushie drinks, we ate lasagna, we watched boring boring soccer, we ate sausages.

Then we went downtown! Fireworks were awesome. Thumbs up to the horny horny teenagers making out like animals in front of us. Thumbs down to the old assholes who thought it was cool to smoke stinky stinky cigars in a crowd.

Then it started raining...just a bit. We walked an annoying distance and found a decent bar. Drinky drinky zucchini sticksy. Rob ate sketchy nachos that would come back to hurt him later.

Then our cheerleader friends Shawna and Helen decided they wanted to go dance like whores. I also decided it would be fun to dance like whores. So we went outside to find a whore-dancing bar. It had started raining...a lot. We walked into a sketchy bar with whore-dancing. Dancing like whores ensued. It was one of those horrifyingly gross places where sweat condenses on the pipes above and drips back down all over your whore body as you whore-dance.

The truth was, as far as whore-dancing goes, this wasn't so whoreish. It was more just fun. I just really felt like using the word whore repeatedly. Whore.

By the time the whore-dancing was done, it was late and pouring rain outside. Let me emphasize - POURING RAIN. And NO CABS. Long story short, we stood outside for about an hour trying to get a cab, and then deciding to walk to City Hall instead, where Rob's brother picked us up, and we soaked up his car, and I almost peed myself from holding it in.

Back at Rob's, we made him make us hot dogs. Then those nachos acted up, and he had to go to bed, writhing in pain. After a quick clean of the kitchen, we also went to bed for slumber. ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz

Sex: Negative.

SUNDAY
I was looking forward to this day ALL WEEKEND. It was RIB SMOKING DAY!! Rob and I had planned to try smoking ribs on his BBQ. I had found some apple wood chips, and had watched many episodes on FoodTV on how to smoke ribs.

This day consisted of rib preparation, lunch at a wood-burning oven pizza place (oh oh oh so good), rollerblading along the canal to the Parliament Buildings, and almost running over pedestrians. Eric alarmed everyone on the street with his loud and squeaky brakes. Ironically, he was the one least likely to run over people. I - of the flailing arms - and Rob - of the no brakes at all - were much more dangerous.

After the rollerblading adventure, we went back to the house to commence the smoking of the pork ribs. They were delicious, and I now consider myself to be a genius. A genius, I tell you. We wrapped up the night with a visit to Lindsay Hardy's place, which was every bit as cute as you could imagine Lindsay Hardy's place would be. Then back to Rob's place for slumber. ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

MONDAY
There are few people who love food as much as we do, with the same one-minded concentrated intensity. Lindsay Hardy is one of those people. We love eating food with Lindsay. We met up with her for lunch at Dunn's. This blog posting is getting quite long, or I would spend two paragraphs describing the hot fatty orgasmic sensation of the meat sandwiches we ordered. Meat sandwiches. I'm salivating in my cheeks just thinking about it. Meat sandwiches.

I'm a meat sandwich whore.

Oh god. That didn't sound right at all.

I don't even care. I'M A MEAT SANDWICH WHORE!!

We followed up the meat sandwich fest with beavertails and gelato. Oh god, I was so full.

Then Monday Part Two started, as we packed up all our gitch and went up to Rob's cottage for the night. A few of his other friends came too...guy friends. It was Sausagefest Plus Carol. Does this sound random to you? It kind of was. I drank more beer than normal, and I think the exposure to too much testosterone made me stupid.

In any case, when we got to the cottage, it was thunderstorming. We all ran inside the cottage, and Rob decided to go for a swim, and take out some boat motor while he was at it. We watched him go out in the gusting storm and get in the lake. He very impressively removed some boat motor and also brought in a canoe. Then, instead of going for a swim in the storm, he came back in looking scared but stupidly happy.

Rob: "Uhh...I think I got shocked by lightning while I was in the water!"

Then the guys all went swimming, and came back scratching.

Rob: "Oh, by the way. You can get an itch from this lake - I think it's the duck poo."

The guys made steak which Rob marinated with dirty hands, burned a loaf of garlic bread most of the way to charcoal, ate it anyway, then played videogames and drank beer. I kicked some ass in Dr. Mario, then passed out on the couch from too much beer and testosterone-induced stupidity. Then I retired to the bedroom for slumber. ZzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

TUESDAY
Woke up, went to a pancake maple syrup place. Delicious pancakes. Eric ate about twice as much as everyone else without missing a beat. Rob managed to drop a cup full of coffee in such a way that it exploded all over the table. Went outside, looked for sheep. Guys went on a (children's) zipline. One skinned his knee rather badly, and Rob decided to hang upside down while going down the zipline, SLAMMED into the (not so) padded building at the end, and dropped to the ground like a sack of groaning potatoes.

Returned to cottage, guys went swimming again in the duck poo lake. Ate watermelon. Packed up. Rob found a litre of milk in the fridge and decided to drink it.

We left Rob's cottage in the mid-afternoon, and drove into Kingston. We had his friend Jay with us...he was moving in with his girlfriend that weekend in Toronto, and was really quite nervous about it. We stopped into Kingston, and went to Greco's for take-out, and to Bubba's for gross gross deep-fry. We got fries with gravy, onion rings, and a slice of sketchy sketchy pizza. We ate it in the car, and I bloated like a blimp. It was delicious. I was sexy.

We got home, and I complained about deepfry tummyache and being tired while wonderful Eric unpacked and took care of me. I showered, watched tv, and chatted with Gloria on the phone. I got into my awesome awesome Sealy Posturepedic pillowtop bed for slumber. ZzzzzzZZzzzzzZZzzzz.

Sex: You betcha!! As soon as we got home!!

I will end with a haiku.

What a long blog post
Five days means a lot to write
Working sucks duck poo