I could be in FHM

Last week while at work, my friend Jen messaged me on MSN. Not that I do that at work or anything.

Jennifer - haus hunter: "Our friend left his FHM magazine here last night. You should hear some of these quotes!"

Carol - Exhausted and devoid of pig: "Okay, like what?"

Jen went on to quote ridiculous things apparently said by women, likely taken out of context to make all females look like Horny McSlutty Hos who love to be naked when no one is around to judge them. I laughed and scoffed.

"My breasts are the greatest funbags of all time"

"The minute I hear music, I just have to grind my hips"

"We did girlie stuff, like throwing our underwear out the window"

"I've had sex in the sea. It's dangerous but worth the risk"

"My favourite underwear is lingerie-a nice thong with a really skimpy bra-although I went to a party the other week in a really tight dress, so I had to go commando. But then I do walk around the house naked a lot, so I'm used to it"

Wait a second...

"I only wear bikinis to do my housework- in bed I take everything off"

Waaaait a second!!

Turns out, I'm a Horny McSlutty Ho. And so is my old roommate Gloria. We could totally be in FHM. These would be my quotes:

My roommate and I used to sit around the house naked together with the windows open

We would eat cheese too, but that's neither here nor there. It was really hot sometimes in September, and we didn't have the air conditioner plugged in. Plus it was just way more comfortable. I remember the first day Gloria came home from class, and I was watching FoodTV in naught but my thong, bare ass-cheeks pressed against her futon. She came in. She looked at me. I looked at her. I said "What, it's hot." And she shrugged and said "Okay", and took off her clothes.

I've had sex in a waterfall. It was loud, and you get lake water up your yoohoo, but it's worth the risk.

Because then you get to tell people you did it in a waterfall. Actually, I was terrified of drowning, I'm not a very good swimmer.

We wore bikinis to do housework - in bed, Gloria takes everything off. I know because I used to get into her bed in the mornings to snuggle.

Gloria came up with the idea of wearing her bikini to clean the shower. I think she didn't want bathroom cleaner to accidentally splash on her yoohoo or nipples. I usually cleaned the kitchen, and thus did not need a bikini. But she didn't want to be the only one wearing a bikini, so I would change into mine as well. As for the naked lesbian snuggling, what can I say - she was a good snuggler, and she had a heating pad in her bed. And I'm a whore for snuggles.

When we got too stressed out from studying and needed a break, we would change into our bikinis, put on some good fun music, and do a couple of shots while bouncing around the apartment. One time, Gloria set up her tripod, and we took pictures.

It was a fun way to relax!! And Gloria was experimenting with an old SLR camera that used to belong to her dad. It made perfect sense.

When I dress up, I almost always wax everything bare and go commando

Dresses show panty lines. Especially clingy dresses. And what is the point of going commando in a clingy dress if little half-inch pubic hairs are going to be poking through the material at your crotch?

I will end with a spontaneous haiku.

When you're quick to judge
Who you mock could be yourself
You slutty ho, you