This is what's wrong with me

** To family members who have complained, friends of family members who I don't even know who have complained, and anybody who doesn't generally like to hear about the poo: This post involves my vagina. Stop reading now if this is something that will upset you. Thank you, and quit yer whining.**

I've called in sick for three days now. This isn't really cause for weeping, as my job sucks my soul out of my ass and makes me eat it again through my nose. But I really feel like total shit. My pain is twofold:

1) I Have Some Kind of Virus-y Cold
My body is achey, and I have sneezes and coughs, and much yellow phlegm. My tummy is not overly tolerant, and I also have some slimy slippery diarrhea and gas. I have a perma-headache. This was worse yesterday, and I spent most of the day on the couch watching CSI Miami and feeling sorry for myself. Today, the sneezes are fewer, and the diarrhea is better. The headache is however still kicking my ass. This is the first part.

2) My Vagina is Broken
Eric and I made the sex on Sunday. Nothing overly adventurous, longer than usual but not by much. Nothing was dry or chafey. A fine time was enjoyed by all. I experienced a burning sensation afterwards, but thought nothing of it, as Eric's semen is apparently poison to me, and this burning has occurred before. I sat on the couch moaning and glaring at Eric for the next couple hours, then let it go.

The following morning, after I had already emailed in sick at work due to the cold, I got up to hawk up phlegm and go pee. The feeling of burning ripping searing pain that shot up through my vagina as the stream of urine passed through into the toilet was indescribable! But I will try.

It felt as though someone was taking a rusty saw, and was attempting to widen my vagina with long hard trembling strokes. But before they started sawing, they had taken some gasoline and doused my labia with it, as well as the saw. Then they lit the saw on fire. Then they started sawing.

Before I had gone pee, nothing felt wrong, but after going pee, my poor vagina burned and burned and stung and hurt all day! I called Eric at work and sobbed at him,

Carol: "You ass!! You big sonofawhore!! What kind of STD did you give me, you lying cheating piece of puss-ridden dickface?!! You broke my vagina!!!"

Eric: "Honey, I didn't give you an STD! Call your doctor..."

Carol: "NO!! I'm just going to sit here and DIE!!!"

In an attempt to relieve the pain, my vagina is creating some kind of slippery lubricant, I think to relieve the friction as I attempt to walk from point A to point B. Unfortunately, this lubricant stings all the time. I have found that if I shower and gently cleanse the area with a mild soap, then I can wash it off, and it doesn't sting as much all the time. Which is good. Except that the slippery lubricant also appears to act as a shield for when I pee. For when I've washed off the stinging lubricant, it burns like the ninth circle of hell when I pee (as opposed to the sixth or seventh circle). It's a lose-lose situation.

Also, since I had a virus-y cold thing, I was ravenous and thirsty all the time. But I wanted to avoid drinking any water, so I wouldn't have to endure the torture of urination. This in turn made me dizzy and gave me huge huge headaches. It's been a shitty few days.

And I'm never making the sex with Eric and his killer sperm again.