The Newlyweds Blog Game - Results!

Firstly, I know I said the results would be up by the end of last week. It turns out I suck pickled ass and I'm sorry that some of you had to wait for the results. Secondly, thank you to those of you who sent me threatening messages regarding the absence of said results. That was nice.

And now, the results:

Two weeks ago, I got a urinary tract infection. I'm quite sure that this infection was caused by the increased amount of sex-making that occurred this month, possibly brought on by the unbearable sexiness of my best friend Peggy's boyfriend, who we finally met at the end of May. There is no way of telling for sure, but no one can deny that Ryan is sexy to the max, and Eric for one was enthralled with his charms.

I chose to leave this UTI untreated; I had never had one before, and many of my friends had, and they just drank lots of cranberry juice and peed it out. Gloria, if you recall, was urinary tractally infected every week by her boyfriend's stinky cheesedick, and she got through without antibiotics. So I stocked up on lots of bottles of Ocean Spray 100% Pure Juice Cranberry, plus Gloria brought over her extensive stock of cranberry extract pills, plus some crazy Chinese herbs which looked like dried cat hair and baby rat droppings. She boiled these in water and made me drink the whole pot.

One week later, I experienced two days of intense abdominal pain, and decided something was amiss. Since it was Sunday, Eric called Telehealth at which point I got to describe the feeling in my bowels, stomach, vagina, as well as the state of my poo to a nice nurse. I enjoyed that experience immensely. Within an hour, I had me a prescription for antibiotics to treat my UTI that may have started down the path to a kidney infection. That same hour, the fevers started.

Amidst great throbbing headaches, I would suddenly feel freezing shivering cold, while my body temperature went up. I would put on two layers of winter pyjamas, with a hand towel laid against my skin at the front of my body, and one laid out on my back under the pyjamas. I would lie in bed under two down duvets and a big fleecy blanket made by my Aunt Angela, folded in half, with two large hot microwaved bean pouches in the blankets with me. I would pop two extra strength Advil and try to fall asleep.

The abdominal pain wouldn't go away no matter how I lay down:
Eric: "Just lie on your back, that's the best position"

But it didn't help:
Carol: "It hurts"

When I finally could fall asleep, I would wake up 30 minutes later with my clothes and towels drenched in sweat. Eric would come to help me:
Eric: "Let me take that off for you"

The towels would be hot and wet against my skin, and I wanted those taken out first:
Carol: "Oh my god, pull it out"

Eric would pull the towels out of my pyjamas and they would be hot and drenched in his hands:
Eric: "Oh baby, you're so wet"

Once the towels came out, all I could feel was how wet my sleeves and my pants were. The sweat was still dripping down my arms and legs and between my non-boobs, and I couldn't get the clothes off fast enough:
Carol: "Faster!! Faster!!"

Eric would take the drier parts of the clothes and wipe me down, to make sure the sweat didn't sit on my body:
Carol: "Wipe my bum, too"

Then he would bring out two more sets of winter pyjamas and bundle me back up before I got too cold. He also replaced the towels:
Carol: "I need another towel"

After I had sweat out two or three times like this, Eric would decide it was too many times, and that no matter how much he wiped me down, I wouldn't be clean enough to be comfortable:
Eric: "You have to shower again"

And he kept track of when I was supposed to take my antibiotics and fed me more Advil to help me battle the fevers and abdominal pain:
Eric: "Swallow it down baby"

And those, my friends, are the results of the Newlyweds Blog Game.

I have learned 3 things from this experience and I will end by sharing these with you:
1) The easy way to lose 4 pounds is to get yourself an infection and sweat out fevers in your sleep 12 times in a day and a half
2) The peeing-after-sex rule should be very stringently followed - never again will I pass out directly after orgasm like the oversatisfied whore wife that I am.
3) Dried Cat Hair Baby Rat Poo Tea will not cure a UTI, no matter what Gloria says