This is what's wrong with me

** To family members who have complained, friends of family members who I don't even know who have complained, and anybody who doesn't generally like to hear about the poo: This post involves my vagina. Stop reading now if this is something that will upset you. Thank you, and quit yer whining.**

I've called in sick for three days now. This isn't really cause for weeping, as my job sucks my soul out of my ass and makes me eat it again through my nose. But I really feel like total shit. My pain is twofold:

1) I Have Some Kind of Virus-y Cold
My body is achey, and I have sneezes and coughs, and much yellow phlegm. My tummy is not overly tolerant, and I also have some slimy slippery diarrhea and gas. I have a perma-headache. This was worse yesterday, and I spent most of the day on the couch watching CSI Miami and feeling sorry for myself. Today, the sneezes are fewer, and the diarrhea is better. The headache is however still kicking my ass. This is the first part.

2) My Vagina is Broken
Eric and I made the sex on Sunday. Nothing overly adventurous, longer than usual but not by much. Nothing was dry or chafey. A fine time was enjoyed by all. I experienced a burning sensation afterwards, but thought nothing of it, as Eric's semen is apparently poison to me, and this burning has occurred before. I sat on the couch moaning and glaring at Eric for the next couple hours, then let it go.

The following morning, after I had already emailed in sick at work due to the cold, I got up to hawk up phlegm and go pee. The feeling of burning ripping searing pain that shot up through my vagina as the stream of urine passed through into the toilet was indescribable! But I will try.

It felt as though someone was taking a rusty saw, and was attempting to widen my vagina with long hard trembling strokes. But before they started sawing, they had taken some gasoline and doused my labia with it, as well as the saw. Then they lit the saw on fire. Then they started sawing.

Before I had gone pee, nothing felt wrong, but after going pee, my poor vagina burned and burned and stung and hurt all day! I called Eric at work and sobbed at him,

Carol: "You ass!! You big sonofawhore!! What kind of STD did you give me, you lying cheating piece of puss-ridden dickface?!! You broke my vagina!!!"

Eric: "Honey, I didn't give you an STD! Call your doctor..."

Carol: "NO!! I'm just going to sit here and DIE!!!"

In an attempt to relieve the pain, my vagina is creating some kind of slippery lubricant, I think to relieve the friction as I attempt to walk from point A to point B. Unfortunately, this lubricant stings all the time. I have found that if I shower and gently cleanse the area with a mild soap, then I can wash it off, and it doesn't sting as much all the time. Which is good. Except that the slippery lubricant also appears to act as a shield for when I pee. For when I've washed off the stinging lubricant, it burns like the ninth circle of hell when I pee (as opposed to the sixth or seventh circle). It's a lose-lose situation.

Also, since I had a virus-y cold thing, I was ravenous and thirsty all the time. But I wanted to avoid drinking any water, so I wouldn't have to endure the torture of urination. This in turn made me dizzy and gave me huge huge headaches. It's been a shitty few days.

And I'm never making the sex with Eric and his killer sperm again.

The Musings in My Mind

1) I like over-microwaved food. I like to zap the shizit out of my food before I eat it. I'm not sure if this is normal. Eric just microwaves his food until it is pleasantly on the hot side of warm, and then he munches away. I usually double his microwave time and then am unable to touch my food for the next 5 minutes at least. But this is the way I like it, for the following reasons:

1. If I am microwaving it, it is probably leftovers, and by heating it up to near-volcanic temperatures, I will kill as much bacteria as possible. This makes me feel safe.
2. I enjoy the nasty chewy crust of dark mass that inevitably forms on the edges and corners of your food when you overmicrowave something like pasta with cheese ie: lasagna. It is salty and unidentifiable and strangely satisfying.
3. I feel that superheating will improve the flavour of my food.

I made a pan of lasagna on Wednesday, and we've been eating it ever since. We got four meals out of it, two lunches and two dinners. For my first lunch lasagna, I took it to the office microwave and set it on high for 4 minutes. It came out sizzling and smoldering, with delicious black chewy crusty edges. But later that night, when I got home and microwaved my dinner portion of lasagna, I used our fancy Panasonic "Sensor Reheat" option. This option usually overheats the food wonderfully. But this time, my lasagna was not mouth-burningly hot, it was just meh-warm, ESPECIALLY in the middle. Plus there were no dark chewy edges and corners. So I put it back in the microwave for a manual 2 minutes on high. Then it burned my tongue.

This is what I think happened: I think that the smoldering cheese on top of the lasagna got hot and melty really quickly. And it sent up heat signals for the "sensor" in the microwave. So therefore, before the body of my lasagna was sufficiently heated to near-volcanic temperatures, the cheese had already sent up enough heat signals that the microwave assumed that it had done its job. Which it hadn't. But the important thing is that now I know for next time, so I can override the sensor crap with my own manual 4 minutes on high.

2) My morning number two time has moved up. I used to go at around 10:30am, every morning. It was a convenient time to take a break. But recently, I've been going sometime between 8:30am and 9:30am. I wonder what is going on?

So this morning, I made a very decent poo. I had eaten one and a half oranges last night. This poo kept its shape quite well, and looked like a healthy snake. I'm not sure what kind of snake, but a plump one, with decent length. The actual poo may not have been a continuous snake, but once I threw the toilet paper in, you couldn't really tell where it broke up in the middle parts.

And then I started thinking of Buffy episodes, specifically of the ones where nightmares come true, or where alternate universes' rules come into play in their own universe. And I started thinking if something strange were to happen like that to me, how gross would it be if I went to the washroom one morning at 9:00am-ish, made a poo that looked like a healthy snake, and then as I was admiring it in the bowl, it came to life and attacked me? A snake of feces! And it would be trying to bite my face with it's poo-teeth, and it would leave poo-marks all over my clothes, like Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo. And I would understandably start screaming, and the poo-snake's head would dart into my mouth and try to stab my tongue with its poo-teeth. And I would try to beat it away, and then I would smush it and it would get all over me, and then I would be covered in poo, with no good explanation of how it happened. I think that would suck a lot.

3) I wake up in the middle of the night to go pee almost every night. The reason is probably because I drink water before going to bed. I know that if I want to avoid going pee in the middle of the night, then I should perhaps consider not drinking water before I go to bed. But I read an article once that said that if I was dehydrated, it would affect the quality of my sleep. So I make sure to drink water before bed. This works out because I'm usually thirsty before bed anyway, which I take to be an indication that I could be dehydrated in the first place.

I usually check the clock when I get up to go pee. On average, it's 2:30am-3:30am. I wake up at 6:00am, so this is a reasonable intermission in my sleep.

But what I hate is when I get to bed late, and then I get up having to pee, and I find that it's 5:50am, and there exists 10 minutes until the alarm is due to go off. This is the worst possible occurance, and it inevitably puts me in a terrible mood. I really really hate when that happens, it makes me angry just thinking about it.

4) Do I love Eric because he's wonderful? Or is he wonderful because I love him? Is he the sweet invention of a lover's dream? Or is he really as wonderful as he seems?

5) I used to be quite nice looking. I would go so far as to say that I was "cute and pretty", possibly even "cute and sexy", depending on what I was wearing. But since I've gained this weight, I'm quite sure that I've traversed through the lands of "cute and pretty" and "cute and sexy" to "plump and pleasant". I'm still pleasing to the eye overall, but "plump and pleasant" is definitely a more accurate label. I'm not sure I've made my peace with that yet. It may really be time to go back to the gym, because I was hoping I wouldn't hit "plump and pleasant" until my 60's. I enjoy being a girl, I'll have to try harder to maintain my girlish figure, rather than proceed to a matronly girth so quickly. Noted to self.

***********Bonus Game***********

Identify the three Broadway songs mentioned or alluded to in this blog post, and the shows from whence they came.

Porketta!

Eric and I decided to go to Sudbury this past weekend. Because we lack the ability to think smart thoughts. Who goes to Sudbury in November? The answer is: no one. No one goes to Sudbury in November. According to my friend Patti who works (and lives) in Sudbury, November is the ugly month. She assured us that any other month of the year, Sudbury is lovely. In any case we visited in November, and had a hoot of a time.

Two noteworthy events:

Eric Is Horrible at Humdingers
Patti bought Cranium Turbo Edition on Friday, so we played it all weekend. The first time we played, we teamed up in couples, Patti with her boyfriend Colin, and I with my husby Eric. Cranium Turbo Edition has the added feature of Turbo Cards, where you have to try to complete three of any type of question instead of just one. My favourite is Humdinger, where they give you a song, and you have to hum or whistle it for your team to guess. I'm really awesome at Humdinger.

I got a card on a Turbo round:
Jingle Bells
White Christmas
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

I had this one in the bag!

Patti: ReadyOkayGo! (starts the timer)
Carol: Hmm-Hmm-HMM, Hmm-Hmm-HMM! (Jingle bells, jingle bells...)
Eric: Oh! Uhh.....dashing....through the snow?
Carol: (incredulous) HMM-HMM-HMM, HMM-HMM-HMM! Hmm-Hmm-Hmmm Hm-Hmm! (jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!)
Eric: Uhhh......sleigh ride?

I decided to skip Jingle Bells.

Carol: Hmmm-Hm-Hm-Hm-Hm-Hmmm-Hm-Hmm! (I'm dreaming of a white Christmas!)
Eric: Oh! Uhhh.....hmm hmmm hmm....ahhh.....
Carol: Oh my god!
Patti: No talking!!!!!

I moved on...

Carol: Hm-Hm-H-H-Hm-Hm-Hm-H-Hm. Hm-Hm-Hmm-H-Hmm-H-H-Hm (Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful)
Eric: Oh! OH!!! The.....weather......outside is frightful?
Carol: HMM-HMM-HMM!! HMM-HMM-HMM!! HMM-HMM-HMM!! (LET IT SNOW!! LET IT SNOW!! LET IT SNOW!!)
Eric: Uhh.....delightful....Christmas.....Christ was born....
Carol: HMM-HMM-HMM!! HMM-HMM-HMM!! HMM-HMM-HMM!! (LET IT SNOW!! LET IT SNOW!! LET IT SNOW!!)
Timer: Bzzzzzzz
Carol: I HATE YOU!!!

Pork Bingo
On Saturday, Patti and Colin took us to a dive bar somewhere in the bowels of Sudbury for Porketta! I was very excited for Porketta, as she had told me about it. Essentially, you play bingo, but instead of normal bingo cards, everyone gets laminated sheets with three playing cards on it, for $2/round. And you wait to see if any of your three cards are called. When all three of your cards have been called, you win! Instead of shouting "BINGO!" you shout "PORKETTA!!" And then you win a pound of pork. I would like to say that again. AND THEN YOU WIN A POUND OF PORK. They literally weigh out a pound of greasy rolled roast pork, and then you eat it! This is literally the best bingo idea ever!

Patti's friends got to the bar a half hour early, but already the tables were full of old wizened Sudbury people, waiting for the pork madness to begin. So they were relegated to the pool table. By the time we arrived, Porketta was in full swing, and Patti's old roommate had already won two pounds of pork! They passed that around, and on our first round playing, Eric shouted "PORKETTA!!" and he won a pound too! I have never loved him so much as I did at that moment.

My porketta card sucked ass. I won nothing. But Patti won twice, so within our little group of four, we won three pounds of pork. Within the entire pool table of young people, we won seven pounds of pork in total! We gorged ourselves on greasy spiced pork, and consumed alcoholic beverages as befitted a dive bar. Then, our bellies distended with pork meat, we piled back into the car and went back to Colin's house to play more Cranium Turbo Edition.

Unfortunately, the following day as Eric and I were about half an hour into the three and a half hour drive back to Toronto, I got a very severe tummy ache. I cannot overexaggerate the severity of this stomach pain. Eric pulled over at a log cabin restaurant on the side of the road where I had extreme explosive porketta diarhhea. I call it porkahhrea.

Thank you, Sudbury.

Carol and Eric Fight Battle with Costco

We bought a paper shredder at Staples on the weekend. We were sorting through papers and things and needed to destroy documents containing sensitive information. So we went out to Staples and spent about $80 on a paper shredder, plus $1 donation to the Special Olympics. They actually had a couple Special Olympics kids there, running around clumsily and yelling things, so you felt like an ass if you didn't donate the dollar.

Turns out the paper shredder sucked huge. Don't buy ArmorID paper shredders. They are loud and ineffective. They could compete in the Special Olympics of paper shredders, if you know what I mean.

So yesterday, Eric picked me up from work, and we drove up to Markham to return the craptastic paper shredder. We decided to pop into Office Depot and Costco to check out alternative paper shredders as well. Office Depot had nothing good. But Costco! Costco had an awesome paper shredder, for $52-ish! It shreds up to 10 pages at once, plus credit cards. My mom has a similar model, and hers shreds cds. I don't know if this will shred cds. But in any case, it's an awesome paper shredder. So we grabbed one and we were on our way.

Royal Paper Shredder: $52
Total: $52

Then Eric said "Let's walk around a bit, I want to get some orange juice." I knew this would be trouble. Within two seconds of walking out of the aisle with the paper shredder, we saw an endcap display with all-purpose wine glasses. Eric and I have two sets of gorgeous and expensive Reidel wine glasses. One set of chardonnay glasses and one set of burgundy glasses. They cost hundreds of dollars, and we're obsessed with them. But we don't trust anyone to use them. It's all part of the obsession. So Eric wanted to get these wine glasses - they were supposedly for both red and white wine, there were 8 in a box, and the best part, they cost $18.99 for the whole set! This is fantastic. So he grabbed one and we were on our way.

Royal Paper Shredder: $52
1 Case Red/White Wine Glasses: $18.99
Total: $70.99

Then we passed by the books section. The thirteenth book in the Series of Unfortunate Events books had come out, so Costco had in stock a box set of all thirteen books! I had been wanting to buy up this set for a couple years now, but had held off thinking that a complete box set would probably come at a better price. The books look very entertaining! Eric said that if I didn't get it now, I might well regret it later. I had no choice. Eric had to go and get a buggy. We loaded the paper shredder, wine glasses, and the giant box of hardcover books into the buggy, and we were on our way.

Royal Paper Shredder: $52
1 Case Red/White Wine Glasses: $18.99
Lemony Snicket Box Set: $114
Total: $184.99

Three metres later, we walked by the dvd section. Eric paused and made a case for buying TWO boxes of wine glasses. He had obviously been pondering. After all, they were a great price, and it would come in handy when we had more than 8 people at the condo drinking wine. That's some pretty good logic right there. So he jogged back to the display to get another case of wine glasses. While he was gone, I glanced at the dvds. The Little Mermaid Special Edition 2-Disc DVD set was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I snatched one up, and held it up for Eric to see when he came back with the wine glasses. He looked at it, gasped, and said okay well I guess we have to get that! I love Eric, he's awesome. Into the buggy it went, and we were on our way.

Royal Paper Shredder: $52
2 Cases Red/White Wine Glasses: $37.98
Lemony Snicket Box Set: $114
The Little Mermaid DVD: $23.98
Total: $227.96

On the way to the refridgerator section, we resisted Christmas cards, display snowmen, 4-packs of Guylian chocolates, and giant Toblerone bars. As Eric went to look for the orange juice, I wandered into the Italian/Greek refridgerated foods section and found a big jar of anchovies - for under $6!!! We had eaten some amazing anchovy antipasti in Rome. I wanted more of the anchovy action! Into the buggy it went with the case of four Tropicana orange juice boxes.

Royal Paper Shredder: $52.00
2 Cases Red/White Wine Glasses: $37.98
Lemony Snicket Box Set: $114.00
The Little Mermaid DVD: $23.98
Italian Anchovies: $5.67
Tropicana Box of 4: $11.99
Total: $245.62

As we made our way up to the cash registers, miserable with no self control, I stiffened my resolve. I don't need all this! It's the end of the month, we have bills to pay, Costco sucks and doesn't accept any credit card other than Amex. We shouldn't be spending the cash! I stopped the buggy and turned to Eric. "We don't need all of this." Eric looked at me in surprise. And then slowly, he said "Okay....what don't we need?" Together, we decided we didn't need two boxes of wine glasses. 16 wine glasses is a lot, and we don't even know if they'll really be any good. The second box of wine glasses came out of the buggy. Then I finally blurted out "I don't think I need the books!" Eric searched my forlorn face carefully. "Are you sure, honey?" I nodded. I could ask his sister Haley to borrow them. She had all of them. I'm uncomfortable with this in general, as I hate lending out my books, and thus do not like to borrow books from other people. But do I need a $114 box set of hardcover children's books? Perhaps not. Eric ceremoniously lifted the box set from the buggy, and took it back to the books section.

Royal Paper Shredder: $52.00
1 Case Red/White Wine Glasses: $18.99
The Little Mermaid DVD: $23.98
Italian Anchovies: $5.67
Tropicana Box of 4: $11.99
Total: $112.63

WOW! I was so proud of us. We had managed to cut our Costco bill by nearly half, just seconds from check-out! We had fought Costco, and while we may not have dominated, we were also not raped.

Of course, later that night, Eric opened up the wine glasses and was so impressed with them that we decided we would go back maybe today and pick up another box. And I did some research online, and found that the Lemony Snicket books were actually a pretty good price at Costco, and maybe I do want them after all...my kids might like to read them in the future. So we might be going back to get them as well.

Damn you, Costco.

That's Amore!

Setting the Scene
I’m sitting on an airplane somewhere over the Atlantic. There are two ditzy, materialistic, middle-aged Canadian-Italian women from Etobicoke in the seats behind us who think they are still young. They are loud and I hate them. The seats are uncomfortable and I didn’t buy the $5 headset, so I can’t hear the dialogue on the shitty Keanu Reeves movie that is playing on the shitty television screens. I’m sick of playing Tetris on my Nintendo DS. I have no book, because I only packed four, and I finished them all earlier this week. I have mosquito bites on my arms and neck, my skin is dry and flaky, my mouth tastes gross. My hair is starting to feel greasy and is clinging to my neck. With five and a half hours left to go on this flight, I have nothing to do and can’t sleep. So I’m composing a blog post that I can upload as soon as I get home. Yay blog post! Now you'll know why the if the post is impatient-sounding. I'm in airplane hell.

Why I Haven’t Posted in Three Effing Weeks
We’ve been on vacay in Italy for two weeks! And the week previous to the trip, I had nothing. Okay, this isn’t true, I totally had a thing, the hair thing. But I was too busy trying to pack for Italy. If this makes me suck, then I’m sorry. Please keep reading!

The Hair Thing – In Brief
I was sick of my seriously long hobo hair. I went to get it cut. Bitch cut it way shorter than I told her too. Will be seeking new hairdresser soon. Am now ugly. Uglier.

LUSTY ITALIAN GETAWAY
So! Down to juicy bloggy business! The husbo and I set off on a Contiki tour exactly two weeks ago. It was an itinerary called Simply Italy. There were about 35 people on the tour, some were cool, some were not cool, and we ended up roughly divvying up into rough cliques, much like high school.

Okay, I must pause for a second. I thought long and hard about how to approach this blog post. If there’s one thing I find horribly boring, it’s people’s travel blogs. There are a few notable exceptions. But for the most part, they’re bad. Sorry, people with travel blogs. But you suck-o.

I’m not going to tell you everything I saw, because that can pretty much be summed up like this: “I saw some big-ass cathedrals, and some big-ass ruins, and some big-ass important pieces of big-ass art. It was all big-ass amazing, and my life has been enriched and my perception of the world has been big-ass changed forever. That reminds me, I still have a big ass.”

So apart from all that, here’s the other stuff:

I Revealed Too Much Information
Being the only married couple in the group, Eric and I were socially overlooked in the beginning. For about two hours. For all you Contiki people reading this, don't try to deny it. You were friendly, but assumed that we would be bland, and probably wondering if we would share private kisses awkwardly in front of you when you didn’t want to see that kind of domestic intimacy, thereby spoiling any kind of partay mood. Then I started exposing private details, and everything shifted into normal focus: people laughed at my stories, and pitied Eric who obviously seemed uncomfortable but resigned to the sharing of said stories. Welcome to our married life! It's like a car crash. You can't help looking and listening, but you know you shouldn't. These were some of the things I revealed during the course of the trip:

• Good Wife/Bad Wife a.k.a. Eric Loves Figure Skating and Carol is a Bitch in the Morning
• Eric Pukes in Carol’s Mouth in Cuba
• Carol Waxes Her Yoohoo/Eric Trims His Entire Body
• Frequency and Satisfaction-Rating of Poopies Made on the Trip
• Eric Has a Big McBumhole
• Sometimes When We Do the Sex, I Just Lie There
• We Pop Each Others’ Body Pimples
• Eric Only Asked Me Out To Get Laid
• Eric Dumped Me To Get Laid By Other People
• Eric Failed To Get Laid By Other People But Did Make Out With a Large Girl With B.O. In An Alley
• Eric Won’t Let Me Put Things In His Ass

I Made Out With An Aussie
Everyone makes out with an Aussie when they go to Europe. And now, I have too! Her name is Lucy, and she’s a great kisser. Eric was passed out at the time, and Lucy herself doesn’t remember it. I later found out that Lucy threw up afterwards. But it was good. Lucy’s hot. I was less hot, I was wearing my glow-in-the-dark flannel jammies with the sheep on it, and I had my hair tied up on top of my head so that it stuck straight up. It's possible this is the reason she puked off the side of her bed following the Cana-Aussie lesbian tongue action. But the important thing is that I molested her over my husband’s unconscious body, and she was totally digging it.

Eric Can’t Do Accents
There were two people on the tour who did the best accents ever. Tara from Sacramento was a tiny little hot powerhouse who was completely hilarious, and Jim from LA was an uber-deep musician. They hooked up on the second night and totally stole our couple’s thunder. But it was cool, because they could do accents – Tara especially. She could imitate everyone, and she would act it out too…so when she quoted her oddly silent Brazilian roommate, it turned into a one-woman side-splitting comedy act that made me want to shit my pants.

I can’t really do accents. I can sort of do a really poor English accent, and then everything else I try comes out sounding like a Chinese accent. It’s really kind of embarrassing.

After the tour ended, Eric and I secretly tried to practice Tara and Jim’s Mexican accents. I could kind of do it. Eric couldn’t.

Carol: “Eeef dees eess torchurr, chayne mee too da waal!”
Eric: “Haha! Yeah! If this is torture, chain me to the wall!”
Carol: “You’re still not doing it.”

All Homeless Italians are Cripples and Amputees
This is really just an observation. But they are. It started with a few men with exposed stumps in the place of arms, sitting in some doorways, mumbling something incoherent in Italian (I suppose it could have been coherent to Italians, but it was not to me. I speak not the Italian tongue). Then there was a man limping around in a church courtyard, making humming and clicking noises. Eric's guess is that he was mute, and didn't have the use of one leg. But the best (worst) one was one woman with no legs, pushing herself along the ground on a skateboard and wailing. We thought she was a dog at first. It was really creepy, and it makes me wonder how they all lost their limbs. I actually secretly wonder if they did it on purpose to make more money on the streets. They gave me a new appreciation of the regular homeless people in Toronto.

And most importantly...
My Best Poo
I pooed every single day in Italy. In fact, sometimes I pooed twice! And they were mostly excellent poos, poos that I would be delighted to dump out every day forever. But the best poo was in Capri. I hadn't gone to the washroom all day, and it was mid-afternoon. I had to go pee really badly, so we found a public washroom in Anacapri. It cost 0,50 euro to use this washroom which was clean and smelled okay, and had soft toilet paper. I made giant pillows with the toilet paper to line the seat, then I sat down and revelled in a zen-like stream of urine. Then at the tail end of the pee, there came a sudden swift and powerful push from my rectum and a firm, solid, satisfying load of poo came rushing out of my bowels like a giant cobra exiting its snake-hole. The poo just came and came and came, as I sat in horrified delight at this unexpected and aggressive move by my intestines. When I got up and looked in the toilet, I saw the most beautiful coil of fecal matter piled up high and proud in the bowl. I had bemoaned the folly of European toilets, and the way the holes are so deep that you can never see how much poo you've made. This toilet was no different, but my incredible - nay - death-defying bowel movement had risen above all such hindrances and was displayed there in all its glory. The best part was that it only took two wipes with the soft toilet paper to clean my bum, and then I was on my way.

And that, my friends, is truly amore.

Our new friends are giving me a complex

Last Christmas at the condo potluck holiday party, Eric and I made friends with two other young couples who lived in the building. Rosy and Alvin, Brenda and Warren. We've all gotten together a few times now, and the guys have gotten together even more, to play video games and stuff. Everyone is asian (except for Eric, he is not asian).

We get along really well, and they're all extremely nice. At first I thought that we were all about the same age. They had all gotten married recently as well, and they looked like us. But upon further investigation, I was surprised to find that they are all older than us, by like at least 5 years. They are all in their thirties. We, if you don't recall, are in our twenties.

On a side note, every time Alvin calls, he asks if he interrupted us having the sex. He seems to think we have the sex every moment that he doesn't see us. I'm not sure why, maybe he feels that because we are young newlyweds and Eric is white, perhaps the combination makes us uncontrollably randy. We haven't once been having the sex when he calls, but I plan to start telling him that we are, with descriptions.

We went to see a movie together last Tuesday. There is a movie theatre across the street, and so we met in the lobby and walked over as a group. (Carol and Eric: "Hey guys, sorry we're late, we thought Alvin as going to call again or something" Alvin: "Uhhh, sure guys. You sure you weren't in the middle of something else?" Guffaw guffaw)

As we walked over to the theatre, I became acutely aware of a difference between the other girls and myself. They are tiny. They are thirty-something and teeny tiny. Both are normal height, but they have cute little butts the size of cereal bowls. They have trim little waists with no love handles. They have no double chins. They have slim little thighs that don't strain against their jeans like they're trying to escape. Their clothes fit them properly. They look fantastic, and are incredibly successful and kind. They are giving me a complex.

My ass is a monstrosity. My waist is slowly disapearing, widening more every day. I have a double chin the size of a medium banana. My thighs think it's Jigglefest every day, and are definitely straining to escape my jeans. None of my clothes fit.

I'm going to go cry now. I hate you Rosy and Brenda. (I'm going to be embarrassed about saying that if they start reading my blog...but I guess I'll tear down that bridge when I blorpingly roll into it.)

Homecoming 2006

Carol's News is Unimpressive
Every year at homecoming, we run into billions (yes, billions!) of old friends and acquaintances. It's lovely to see everyone again, and to "catch up". Everyone asks "So what are you up to? What's new?" Husby and I started working after graduation, and didn't go on to do masters/med school/law school/PhDs/teaching in Japan. Still, the last two years were easy. First we were all "We're engaged!". Then we were all "We got married!". This year, the exciting news dried up.

Old Friend/Acquaintance: Oh my god, CAROL! (*hug hug kiss kiss*) How are you?
Carol: I'm good!! (*hug hug kiss kiss*) How are you?
OF/A: Not too bad, not too bad...So what are you up to? What's new?
Carol: Well actually, since you ask, Staples had this great Back to School sale a couple weeks ago, and I bought a new box of crayons!
OF/A: ...
Carol: Yeah! It's a huge one, like 96 colours. I'm not even joking. It was...let's see...it was only about six dollars. Yeah. So I've been working on my colouring books since then. I have two, a Care Bears one and a Disney Princesses Dreams Come True one.
OF/A: Huh.
Carol: Yeah, it's been awesome. What are you up to? What's new?
OF/A: I'm finishing up medical school and I've discovered a cure for cancer.
Carol: Good times.

Eric Discovers Something Special and Tender
Our (hot hot) friend Brandon came up for homecoming this year. Now at the risk of sounding totally condescending, I consider Brandon as my pet. He was frosh when my friend Peggy and I were in fourth year, and he was like our hot little baby boy. We loved him and took care of him when he drank too much. Since we graduated, Peggy's gone away (yes, to medical school), and Eric and I have adopted Brandon together. I now consider Brandon to be mine and Eric's pet, but mostly mine because he belonged to me first. We plan to eventually adopt him and have him live with us forever.

Brandon drove up to Kingston on Friday night, and came over to drink. We were all sitting around, and Brandon wanted to go to a party. I didn't want to go, because I was already hungover from drinking in the afternoon. So Brandon wanted Eric to go with him. The two of them set off at 11:00pm, in search of boozin' good times.

Long story short, one of the girls (TheHippie of ThePeach fame) with whom we were staying was going to her fake boyfriend's house to get some booty. And by booty I mean ass. And by ass I mean raunchy porno sex. So she had said that we could sleep in her unoccupied bed. Brandon was supposed to be staying elsewhere.

At 3:00am, when Eric had still not returned, I decided to go to bed. I got into TheHippie's bed and fell asleep. Eric and Brandon both returned later, and apparently immediately removed their clothes. Eric then began stalking around the abode, looking for me as I wasn't on the futon. I saw him tiptoe up and down the hall outside TheHippie's room in naught but his boxers. Then he stuck his head into the room. I could see him straining in the dark to see who was in the bed.

Carol: It's me
Eric: (whispering) Honey, it's okay! YOU SLEEP HERE. I'm going to go SLEEP WITH BRANDON.
Carol: .......Okay. The sleeping bags are here on the floor, why don't you-
Eric: (whispering) It's okay! WE WON'T BE NEEDING THEM.
Carol: .......uhh...
Eric: (whispering) Okay, goodnight!
Carol: ........uh, goodnight.

I thought to myself, boy this will make a great gay story in the morning. Then I went to sleep.

In the morning, I woke up and went into the living room. There lay both sexy boys, looking sleepy but happy. Both wearing nothing but their boxers, with tiny blankets pulled up only to their waists. Brandon lay on his back, head resting on his hand, gazing up at Eric. Eric lay on his side, propped up on his elbow, his free arm drapped lazily across his front, hand resting inches from Brandon's dewy skinned body, smiling down at Brandon. I stopped in the doorway.

Carol: "Well....this looks gay and cozy."

Both chuckled. Neither moved. Other people came in the room and stared. Then they both got up. They had showers. They shared a towel. Then Eric drove Brandon to the house where he was supposed to be staying, so Brandon could get a fresh change of clothes. They were gone for almost an hour.

Nothing takes an hour in Kingston. Nothing except gay sex.

At the Portsmouth Tavern, Eric and Brandon sat next to each other with their heads together, and had many chuckles and quiet conversations. The rest of us made comments about their apparent sweet new love for one another. Both laughed. Neither moved.

At one point, I had finished my first drink, and so had Eric. Eric got up to go to the bar...and came back with a drink for himself, and A DRINK FOR BRANDON. Nothing for me! Everyone noticed.

"Hey Eric, you buy a drink for your boyfriend, but not for your wife??!!"

Later that night, Eric sat me down.

Eric: Hey honey, you don't really mind about the whole Brandon thing, do you? Like, it doesn't really bother you, does it?
Carol: (breezy) No, haha. No it totally doesn't bother me, I was just kidding.
Eric: Okay, good. Because you know, it's not really a big deal. Last night was kind of crazy, and you know, it was just that one thing led to another...

Yes. Eric has indeed Discovered Something Special and Tender with Brandon. My hot little baby boy pet is now obviously Eric's Hot Little Baby Boy Pet Ass Humper.

Finally, I just checked and:
ThePeach Already Told Most of My Planned ThePeach Stories
So you can read them here and I can go eat my leftovers from the weekend. I sound so cool in her blog. Guess which one is me! ThePeach's hair and rack (not to be confused with "hairy rack") are out of this world. This never more evident than this weekend when she lost her bra and her boobs looked like perfection.

I wonder if I got her to dance for Eric with her boobs, whether he would forget Brandon?

I will end with a spontaneous haiku.
Coming Home to Queen's
Eating deepfry till I puke
Now my husband's gay

This is so far one of the shittiest weeks ever

It probably started out with the sketchy sushi place. Last week was a pretty intense sushi week. Gloria took us out on Thursday, Luke and Cathy took us out on Friday, then we went out on our own on Sunday. I've eaten a lot of sushi in my time, and I think I have become a little reckless with my sushi consumption. Though I prattle and preach about the dangers of eating at a bad sushi restaurant, the truth is that I don't really think I'll get sick. I've never gotten sick off of sushi before.

On Thursday, we went to Crazy Sushi. It's a great place, a little on the pricey side, but clean and delicious. On Friday, we went to Sakura. Eric had discovered Sakura during his lunchtime quests to bring me sushi rolls. The rolls had been decent, so we decided to go to the restaurant proper for dinner. I walked in and was immediately sketched out. The carpets were very dirty. I think the words I'm looking for are "horribly filthy". But it was busy, and we were there with Luke and Cathy, plus we had eaten their rolls for lunch and never gotten sick. So we trekked on, ate a delicious dinner, then went home to watch Gone with the Wind, which Luke was finally made to understand, is NOT a musical, and NOT to be confused with The Sound of Music. No problems.

On Sunday, after a weekend of working at the wedding show out by the airport for our wedding photographer Janet, we wanted sushi again. I was on a wasabi rampage. So we decided with a shrug to go back to Sakura. It was run by Korean people, so they gave you kimchi and a bunch of other free appetizers to go with your meal.

This time, I had to go pee really badly, so I went before we ordered. And oh LORD the washroom was nasty. And here's the particularly disgusting part. which I haven't even told Eric yet - there was NO SOAP BY THE SINK. I shit you not. I was very tired and very hungry and very stupid, so something prevented me from insisting that we leave right away. So I got some Purell out of my purse, we stayed, we ordered, we ate. Nothing tasted weird, though to be fair, I drenched everything in wasabi.

About an hour and a half later, I was feeling weird. Not puking weird, but a little achey in the tummy, with a headache, and a funny feeling about my body. I went poo right before bed. My poo smelled like cow manure. It was gross.

I had a terrible night. I tossed and turned and kept having weird vivid dreams. In the morning, I felt horrible all over. But I was very tired and very stupid, and I got in the shower, got dressed. I got a stomache ache right before I left the house, and went to the washroom. I was greeted by the gross feeling of chunky liquid poo squirting out of my butt in a continuous stream, then I went to work. At work, my stomach churned as my head throbbed and my body ached. I went to the washroom, and the feeling of pulling down my underwear felt as though I was dragging a brush made out of small sharp needles across my hips. This was followed by more squirting liquid chunky poo. I whimpered at my desk and did my work. Then, as pains started shooting up my abdomen, I decided fuck it, I'm going home.

At home, I slept all afternoon and woke up with a fever, and a body so hurty that sitting down perfectly still was painful. I forced Eric to gently massage my feet, my calves, my thighs, my hands, over and over again to try to make them feel better. I went poo, and it smelled like vomit. LIKE VOMIT!!! It was disgusting. I told Eric he should go and smell it. He declined.

This morning, I was awoken with a giant giant stomach ache. It felt like something with sharp tentacles was pulling at my insides from all angles. I went poo. It was drippy and nasty and continuous and my stomach ache would not go away. I tried to go back to sleep, but was awoken every 20 minutes or so by the pain, and had to go sit on the toilet for ten minutes, crying. This continued until about 1:30pm. Then the pain subsided, and I only had to go to the washroom every 2 hours or so.

Then Eric came home and fussed over me. I was just starting to feel cherished and cared for when someone in the building decided they hated me and did something to set off the fire alarms. The loud blaring sounds cut through my headache, straight into my brain where they proceeded to rape and pillage everything they touched. On and off and on and off for about 15 minutes. Then the firetrucks came, and said they were investigating the problem. Nothing else came of it, but it's nice to know that when the fire alarm goes off in the building, we will just sit here and wait to burn.

I hope I can return to work tomorrow, as I need to remind my boss that he said I could have this Friday off for Queen's Homecoming. Though if my insides are still trying to murder me, and I have to go shit cloudy glops of vomit from my ass every half hour, I don't see how I will possibly be able to go.

And now I'm sitting here writing this miserable blog post. I hope that you clicked on this site, noticed there was a new post, and settled in hoping that it would be entertaining and fun. I hope that you found it was boring with a touch of gross, and that you feel as pissed off as I do.

I'm not even going to end with a haiku. I'm just going to end abruptly, like this.

I could be in FHM

Last week while at work, my friend Jen messaged me on MSN. Not that I do that at work or anything.

Jennifer - haus hunter: "Our friend left his FHM magazine here last night. You should hear some of these quotes!"

Carol - Exhausted and devoid of pig: "Okay, like what?"

Jen went on to quote ridiculous things apparently said by women, likely taken out of context to make all females look like Horny McSlutty Hos who love to be naked when no one is around to judge them. I laughed and scoffed.

"My breasts are the greatest funbags of all time"

"The minute I hear music, I just have to grind my hips"

"We did girlie stuff, like throwing our underwear out the window"

"I've had sex in the sea. It's dangerous but worth the risk"

"My favourite underwear is lingerie-a nice thong with a really skimpy bra-although I went to a party the other week in a really tight dress, so I had to go commando. But then I do walk around the house naked a lot, so I'm used to it"

Wait a second...

"I only wear bikinis to do my housework- in bed I take everything off"

Waaaait a second!!

Turns out, I'm a Horny McSlutty Ho. And so is my old roommate Gloria. We could totally be in FHM. These would be my quotes:

My roommate and I used to sit around the house naked together with the windows open

We would eat cheese too, but that's neither here nor there. It was really hot sometimes in September, and we didn't have the air conditioner plugged in. Plus it was just way more comfortable. I remember the first day Gloria came home from class, and I was watching FoodTV in naught but my thong, bare ass-cheeks pressed against her futon. She came in. She looked at me. I looked at her. I said "What, it's hot." And she shrugged and said "Okay", and took off her clothes.

I've had sex in a waterfall. It was loud, and you get lake water up your yoohoo, but it's worth the risk.

Because then you get to tell people you did it in a waterfall. Actually, I was terrified of drowning, I'm not a very good swimmer.

We wore bikinis to do housework - in bed, Gloria takes everything off. I know because I used to get into her bed in the mornings to snuggle.

Gloria came up with the idea of wearing her bikini to clean the shower. I think she didn't want bathroom cleaner to accidentally splash on her yoohoo or nipples. I usually cleaned the kitchen, and thus did not need a bikini. But she didn't want to be the only one wearing a bikini, so I would change into mine as well. As for the naked lesbian snuggling, what can I say - she was a good snuggler, and she had a heating pad in her bed. And I'm a whore for snuggles.

When we got too stressed out from studying and needed a break, we would change into our bikinis, put on some good fun music, and do a couple of shots while bouncing around the apartment. One time, Gloria set up her tripod, and we took pictures.

It was a fun way to relax!! And Gloria was experimenting with an old SLR camera that used to belong to her dad. It made perfect sense.

When I dress up, I almost always wax everything bare and go commando

Dresses show panty lines. Especially clingy dresses. And what is the point of going commando in a clingy dress if little half-inch pubic hairs are going to be poking through the material at your crotch?

I will end with a spontaneous haiku.

When you're quick to judge
Who you mock could be yourself
You slutty ho, you

Passion buys the farm

We had an interesting struggle the other night as we were getting into bed. In a rare display of night-time amour, Eric wanted the sex. In a yet rarer display of sexual disinterest, I wanted not the sex.

Eric: Mmm baby, you're so hot. So hot.

Carol: We're not doing it, you know.

Eric: But I love you, I want you so bad.

Carol: Get away from me, I'm going to vomit.

Eric was persistent for about 10 minutes, wanting to "hold" me. He was all the way over on my side of the bed, and I kept on squirming and slapping his hands away, complaining of headache, ticklishness, and nausea.

Eric: I want to kiss you. (kiss kiss)

Carol: I think there's a hard booger in my nose. Every time you kiss me and smush my nose in, it kind of hurts, like there's a thick crusted up hard booger in there.

Eric: ...that's not sexy.

Carol: Good, get that thing away from me.

Eric: This sucks!!

Carol: We did it yesterday. And the day before.

Eric: I WANT MORE!!!

Carol: YOUR PENIS IS POISON!!!!

Finally, Eric was convinced not to try and do me. We struck up a bargain wherein I didn't have to submit to his lovemaking at the moment, but had to promise to give it to him the following day. I agreed on the condition that I could be on bottom. Then I acquiesced to going over to his side of the bed to snuggle. Snuggle snuggle. Then I thought I smelled something.

Carol: Did you just fart?

Eric: No...do you want me to?

Carol: Why would I want you to?!

Eric: What if you fall asleep, and then I do you while you're sleeping?

Carol: Get away from me!!

Marriage is so fun. And no, I didn't end up giving it to him the next day either. Or the day after that. Maybe today...but I doubt it. I'm really tired today.

Anybody Out There got a tissue?

Earlier this week, I finished reading Anybody Out There by Marian Keyes. I love Marian Keyes, she has a fantastic writing style, and I love her awesome female characters and the gorgeous sexy men for whom they spread their well-formed legs. I was really looking forward to this new book because it was big and looked meaty and delightful.

Let me tell you, it was not delightful. I was not filled with delight by this book. I spent the entire weekend crying my goddamn eyes out. I swear to you, the first 25% of the book, you're mostly curious and confused, and then the remaining 75% of the book, you'll spend bawling so hard you can't possibly read the words on the page.

This is not to say that the book wasn't excellent, because it truly was. It just made me feel like I wanted to die.

When Eric noticed I was crying, he was quite alarmed. We were sitting on the couch in the sunny afternoon, he was playing Paper Mario, and I was reading my book. He was understandably preoccupied with his video game, so he didn't notice that I had been silently weeping for five minutes. This unfortunately meant that he jumped when I suddenly I screamed "Give me the tissue box!!!!!" Then he watched, appalled while I cried for the next two hours, mopping and licking up my tears and snot.

I had to take breaks from my book all weekend, and it took ages to finish the thing. I usually eagerly read through books very fast, but every time I picked it up, I'd be crying within a minute. It was very draining.

On Saturday morning, I had to go poo. I don't ever go poo without a book, unless it's a tragic accident wherein I think I'm going to go pee, but then I sit down and halfway through my pee, a piece of poo sticks its head out and goes "Look at me...fllllllllllorp!", and is halfway out of my butt by the time my pee is finished. And then I'm angry because I have no book. Most of the time, if this starts to happen, I frantically call out to Eric to bring me a book because some poo is sneaking out. Then he'll bring me a book and everything will be fine. But sometimes, I might be at home by myself, or Eric may be pooing in the other washroom, and then there's no one to bring me a book. I am forced to sit there reading nothing while I poo. Angrily.

So anyway, I had to poo on Saturday morning, so I took my book and went to the washroom. I sat down. I opened my book. I started pooing. I started crying. It was the first time that I've ever felt the simultaneous evacuation of tears and feces from my body at the same time. I sorrowfully felt my poo (wet and slippery, solid but with an almost oily consistency) push slowly but deliberately out of my poo-hole, as tears ran down my face, and I gulped for air between sobs. It was very odd, and felt very wrong. I now understand why bawling and defecating don't go together like ramma lamma lamma ke-dingity dingy dong. Because you're subtly distracted in an incomparable way as the air gently fills with the aroma of stool. It feels gross and ridiculous. But that's what I did on Saturday.

Bet you didn't think this was going to be a poo post.

I am gross and sneaky

My boss emailed me this morning:

From: Cowan, Karl
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:14 AM
To: Chan, Carol
Subject: Default report category

Hi Carol,

It appears that you have accidentally changed the SAP Default Report Category (see attached). This has caused some programs to not work properly. Manuel will set it back to the original version.

Report Categories do not behave like other standard SAP objects. They don’t warn you that you are changing the standard. Be careful next time.

------------------------------------------

From: Chan, Carol
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:15 AM
To: Cowan, Karl
Subject: RE: Default report category

Oh my goodness. So sorry about that, it won't happen again.

Carol

------------------------------------------

From: Cowan, Karl
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:21 AM
To: Chan, Carol
Subject: RE: Default report category

No problem. It could have happened to anyone.

------------------------------------------

From: Chan, Carol
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:24 AM
To: Cowan, Karl
Subject: RE: Default report category

BUT WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!!!!! **sob sob sob**

------------------------------------------

I got such a big kick out of this, I copied it and showed it to Eric. Eric messaged me on MSN:


Eric says:
HAHAHA... you're cute!

Carol says:
Yeah, I liked it.

Carol says:
I peeled off a large piece of pinky toeskin yesterday, and it's like a trophy on my desk

Eric says:
GROSS!!!!

Eric says:
You did this at work?!?!?!!!!

Eric says:
You're so gross!!!!

Carol says:
No!

Carol says:
I'm so CUTE!

Carol says:
Awwww....look at me.

Carol says:
I'm so cute!

Eric says:
You were cute! Now, you are gross! SO GROSS!!

Carol says:
....so cute?

Carol says:
(Angel Face Emoticon)

Eric says:
awww! cute!

Carol says:
Yeah!!!

Carol says:
(heh heh heh)

Eric says:
sneaky! you're so sneaky!

I got such a big kick out of this, I blogged it. Bloggy bloggy.

I will end with a long overdue haiku.

Toeskin, hard and dry
Pick it, peel it, ease it off
See it on my desk

Williams Sonoma dissed me good

Eric and I popped into Williams Sonoma Yorkdale this past weekend to visit David while he was working. From my brief stint at this store last Christmas, I made a few friends who still recognize me (one of them thinks Eric is uber hot, so he likes stopping by a lot). One of them, an older Vietnamese-or-some-other-kind-of-Asian-so-I-can't-tell-what-kind-she-is-at-least-I-know-she's-not-Chinese-okay-so-sue-me woman greeted me in loud tones.

VietWoman: "Hallo! Oh!! Pregnant already!!!"

Carol: "Uhh.....nooo. Are you saying I look fat?!"

VietWoman: "Ahh...ahhhh.....ahhhhh.....No!! No...just...ahhhh.....yes."

Carol: "What?!!"

VietWoman: "Ahh.....ahhhh.....haha....ahhh, you know. Hay! Shoodint wait too long, you know!! Better for doing sooner!!"

Carol: "Are you trying to cover up for calling me fat?"

VietWoman: "Ahhh....ahhhh....haha, no!! Ahhh....."

Carol: "Okay, I better get back to shopping. I'll talk to you later."

VietWoman: "Ahhh...ahhhh.....ahhhh....."

I immediately vowed not to disclose this most embarrassing conversation to anybody ever. Five minutes later, I told everyone behind the cash counter in the store. Fifteen minutes later, I told Eric and David. That evening, I told Eric's entire family. And four days later, on this overcast Thursday morning, I am telling you. I reveal my shame. If I was any less embarrassed, I would put a jihad on that woman's family, but I'm secretly mortified. So I'm just going to eat a plate of mozza sticks and onion rings and drink the tears that fall from my face and roll off the ripples of my voluminous paunch, collecting in the watertight chalice formed by my blooming adipose tissue-filled thighs and groin area with a straw. I hope I don't accidentally end up drinking my own pee.

SexFest 2006 (a.k.a. What We Did on Our Cruise Vacation)

Here it is, a week late. You people get really bitchy when you know we've done something new, and there's no blog post. The pressure is crippling, and I spent much of last week curled in a ball in a filthy corner of our bathroom, chewing on my knuckles. I hope you're happy.

DAY 1: I'm Going to Miami (Welcome to Miami)
This day was uneventful. A typical day of travel. Here's a breakdown, but if you start getting bored, then skip to Day 2.

You know how airports ask you to check in three hours before a flight? Our flight was at 7:00am, so we had to be at the airport at 4:00am, which made no sense since the American Airlines check-in counter didn't even open until 4:15am. Dumbasses!

We had an uneventful flight to Miami, got our luggage, got transported to the pier, got on the cruise ship, and attacked the lunch buffet like starving orphans. The gluttony had commenced.

We explored the ship. It was old. The upholstery was worn, and the vinyl was faded, and the ceilings were low. I didn't want to touch anything. So we went to our cabin and touched each other instead. Then we passed out. Whoo-hoo! So far so AWESOME!!

Dinner, Name That Tune in a piano lounge, comedian show - comedian made fun of me, ate pizza, went dancing like whores. Went back to room, more touching - like whores. Sexy sex. Sneepy sneep.

Day 2: We Are Loved By Mexicans
This was the day of our first port of call - Coco Cay. Coco Cay is a made-up name for a private island owned by Royal Caribbean. Eric and I got up super early, at around 7:00am. We showered and put on sunscreen and packed up our beach gear. We had breakfast at the buffet (SMOKED SALMON AND SAUSAGES!!), and caught the second tender out to the island.

The beach was practically empty, with five thousand empty inviting beach chairs, all lined up in neat rows on the sand. We walked along the entire beach and chose a spot to settle down for the day: somewhere in the middle with approximately 2500 chairs to our left, and 2500 chairs to our right. We lay down and basked in the gorgeous gentle morning sun for about half an hour.

Then a ruckus was heard to our right. There approached a large Mexican family, loudly Spanishing away in Spanish. They were friendly, very friendly. They sat down very very close to us, about two chairs away. What the hell?? There are 2500 chairs down that side of the beach, you couldn't move over some more?? We didn't even mind so much because they were so friendly. Maybe they liked the way our faces looked. We have nice faces, Eric especially. So we tried to go back to dozing. But then two of them lit up their cigarettes.

I'm sorry, but cigarettes are disgusting, and if you smoke, you're grossatating. If you sit next to me on a beach and smoke, I will likely pick up my things and leave. And it will be because you are grossatating.

So we picked up our things and moved about 20 chairs to the left. Now we had about 20 chairs to our right side, and the previous 2500 (now 2480) chairs on our left side. We started dozing again.

We could hear people slowly trickling onto the beach, setting up their stuff, going into the water. Normal happy beach sounds. There were still a lot of chairs empty on either side of us. We felt relaxed and happy. Suddenly, another Spanish ruckus started up behind us, and there approached yet another humongous Mexican family! Why do Mexicans travel in herds? There were 15 to 20 people in this group. And they were Spanishing away in Spanish, at about twice the volume of the previous family. And they set up camp RIGHT NEXT to us!! Literally, a greasy man chose the chair right next to Eric. There were at least 1000 chairs down that side of the beach!! They couldn't have set up a few chairs over? This group wasn't so friendly. They shouted at each other a lot, and Eric's greasy new buddy took out his sunning oil and started spreading it over his body. He looked at Eric. Then he bent over, slathering it on his legs, thrusting his ass at my husband's pretty head. Eric had only to turn his head slightly to the left, and his nose would be raping this man's greased-up butt.

I decided this was enough of the homo beach seduction. We inflated our inflatable floatey things, and got in the water.

I'm a retard in the water. I'm not a very good swimmer, and I'm one of those people who has to inch into the water a tiny bit at a time because I don't like the coldness. I hate the assholes who splash water all over you and laugh like it's funny. They need to die.

Eric: (gracefully pushes horizontally into the water. Stands up, body dripping and hair soaking. Shakes head back and forth in slow motion with eyes closed. Runs hands down body, opens eyes. Greasy Mexican has orgasm.) Hey honey, get in!

Carol: (standing knee deep in water, cellulite thighs pressed together, arms tight at sides, very tense) DON'T RUSH ME!

Eric: Okay okay, take your time, I'm not rushing you.

I take baby steps out to Eric until I'm up to my waist in water. This is usually where I need to brace myself and dunk down to my shoulders really fast.

Carol: I'm going to get the rest of me wet now.

Eric: Okay.

Time passes. I look up at the sky, try to gauge the (non existent) wind. I look back at the chairs to make sure our bag is still there. I glare at the loud Mexicans. I check to make sure my boobs are covered.

Eric: Honey? Are you going to get in the water?

Carol: (very tense) DON'T RUSH ME!!

Eric: Okay! Okay, I'm not rushing you.

Time passes. I start making casual conversation with him, what does he think we'll have for lunch, isn't the weather nice.

Eric: (looks at Carol)

Carol: (very tense) DON'T RUSH ME!

Eric: We got in the water TWENTY MINUTES AGO.

Carol: Fine!! (frantic dunk)

Eric: (full of pity) Oh sweetie. You're one of those kids who doesn't know how to have fun in the water.

At lunch, the cruise ship brought food onto the island and did a huge BBQ with burgers, hot dogs, chicken, and RIBS! I'm a whore for ribs. If you're skinny enough that your ribs stick out, I will gnaw on your torso. As Eric took a little bit of everything, I cut the bullshit and loaded up a plate with ribs about half a foot high. I gobbled it down, spraying rib juice everywhere. Then we got back in the water and proceeded to obtain extreme sunburns.

We left the island at around 4:00pm, and went to our cabin for showers, after which we proceeded to have sunburnt masochistic sex. Lying on your back, being bitten and pounded into low-threadcount sheets while you have a sunburn all over your back is extremely painful. But now I think I like the feel of my skin on fire. Sexy.

Dinner, show, Caribbean midnight buffet, stupid dancing. You know what song pisses me off? DJ Casper's Cha-Cha Slide. That song with the recording of a man calling out dance moves. It's horrible. And it gets stuck in your head! As soon as that song started playing, I got very cranky, starting swearing, and we had to leave. I might have been tired.

Back to the cabin, more masochistic sexy sex. Then sneepy sneep. It had been an excellent day.

Day 3: Happy 'Versary!
The entire trip had been building up to this most momentous day, the anniversary of the day we exchanged vows and bound ourselves to each other forever. As it turns out, this day was very uneventful. It was pretty anticlimatic. It rained when we got to Nassau. However, there were two Tortuga Rum Cake factories on this island, and they give out free samples. Eric was determined to get a free sample of rum cake. So we went for a walk in the rain, splashing through puddles, wandering the streets of Nassau in search of the free cake samples. We found it, tucked up a sketchy alley. They gave us each one-inch cubes of rum cake. We ate them. Then we went back to the ship.

There was no point going to the beach this day, because it was all rainy and gross. Plus, we definitely didn't need any more sun. We played games, read books, bonked each other like whores, took naps. We played 70's disco Name That Tune, which sucked ass. Why not 90's Name That Tune?? Age discrimination. Eric and I were terrible, we wrote "Boogie Nights" for every song we didn't recognize. Which was 17 out of 20. Then we did 80's Line Dancing. I think they just made up some lame dance moves and called it 80's Line Dancing. It was fun, but the moves made no sense and didn't fit in with the music at all. All except the last one "Thriller" by Michael Jackson: Scare, Scare, Double Scare! Scare, Scare, Double Scare!

The waiters came to our table that night to sing "Happy 'Versary to you". Then we watched a show, packed our suitcase, watched people sing karaoke, stood on the top deck and gazed romantically at the stars, ate some pizza, danced at the club till we couldn't stand anymore, and then stumbled back to our room.

The pressure was on...it was the anniversary night, there had to be sexy sex! But I was exhausted. I'm not going to lie to you, it was a very huge effort, and I almost fell asleep twice. But we didn't die, yay sweet dry exhausted sunburnt masochistic 'versary sex! I no longer have any vaginal lining.

Day 4: Back to the Shire
Day o' travel. The most exciting part of this whole day: Eric and I went to a restaurant when we got home and ordered a Peking Duck. It was glorious.

And that was our anniversary cruise vacation.

Oh Gloria II

In a few hours, we're leaving for a BAHAMAS CRUISE to celebrate our first wedding anniversary!

My old roommate Gloria very sweetly called about 10 minutes ago.

Gloria: "Hi! I just wanted to give you two a call and say happy first anniversary even though I know it's not your anniversary yet! And I hope you have a GREAT trip!"

Carol: "Oh, that's so sweet! Thank you so much, you sweetie!"

Gloria: "No problem!"

(general inquiries regarding one anothers health and goings-on, mostly boring)

Gloria: "By the way, I wanted to tell you. I've lost the ability to give good blow jobs."

Carol: "Oh?"

Gloria: "Yeah! It's been like a year and a half, and I'm totally out of practice! I've had Camping Chris over to scratch an itch more than once in the past little while, and I'm literally no good at it!"

Carol: "That's really unfortunate. If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure I'm no good at it anymore, but that's mainly because I've become lazy."

Gloria: "No, like this is really bad. I mean I'm so bad, I just suck at it!"

Carol: "You...uh. You just suck at it? Heh heh heh...heh."

Gloria: "Oh. Dammit, you're going to blog about this, aren't you?"

How great is she?

So yeah, in other news, it's our one year wedding anniversary this Sunday, and we're going to be in the Bahamas getting tanned! Whoo-hoo!

I looked it up, and the traditional first wedding anniversary gift is Paper. So I got Eric a paperback novel to read on the plane, and a stupidly overpriced board game. Turns out Eric also looked it up, and he got me a board game too! How cute are we?!

You guys should come over and play.

Memories of a faithful lover

Eric has been on a huge anti-deepfry kick for the past couple weeks. He read an article in the Globe and Mail about this experiment with these mice, and trans fats, and stomach fat or something, and now he's a spiritual warrior in the battle against deepfried foods.

I don't think I can describe to you my love of deepfry. If my arm could regenerate, I would batter, deepfry, and eat it. I love deepfry so much, I should have married it instead of Eric.

I remember the day I got my first deepfryer. I was unpacking in September of 2002 in the Kingston apartment I shared with Gloria, when she pulled up in her green Volvo for the first time that year. She had all her moving-in stuff with her, and one of the first things she brought in was a present for me - a deepfryer!!

It was extremely old, and the basket had no handle. I think someone found it in a garbage can and asked her parents if they thought anyone could use it. Gloria said I could use it. She was correct.

I went right out and bought potatoes, mozza sticks, and a bucket of oil. I spent a night deepfrying said potatoes and mozza sticks. Eric, Gloria and I devoured their crispy hot goodness. The next day, everyone was in class, and I was home for some reason. I walked into my kitchen holding my stomach, bloated and gassy from the previous night's deepfried indulgence. I looked in my freezer and noticed some frozen Chinese green onion pancakes. Hmm. Frozen Chinese green onion pancakes are usually panfried in oil...so why not try to deepfry them in oil?

So I fired up the deepfryer with the oil from the previous night and deepfried a frozen Chinese green onion pancake. I cut it into wedges. It smelled delicious. I sat down and started eating.

My deepfried Chinese green onion pancake tasted like mozza sticks.

But I ate it anyway. Then I deepfried another one.

On what I consider to be an unrelated note, I gained 15 pounds that year.

We now have a little "professional" deepfryer for the home. It's made by Waring Pro, and it's wonderful. We've added onion rings, zucchini sticks, battered shrimp, breaded mushrooms, and breaded eggplant to the list of Things We Deepfry. Each experiment has been a raging success, and the joy that comes from these foods is unparalleled!

And now, Eric has banned the use of this most beloved appliance until further notice.

Deepfry I love you, and we will be together again some day. Eric can't keep us apart forever.

On what I consider to be yet another unrelated note, my recent weight-gain of 25 pounds is slowly coming off, it seems. I wish I had my lover deepfry to console me in this difficult time.

I have a rash

On my tummy. It's just to the left (my left) of my bellybutton, and it itches like a motherfrakker. It's red and bumps out slightly. I think it's getting worse. It is freaking me out.

I don't get skin irritation too much. Sometimes when I wear cheap jewelry made out of base metals or something like that, I might get an itchy small rash on my neck where the chain was. But it goes away after about a day, and isn't very big.

Does anybody know what this could be? Does anybody else have an inexplicable rash on their body?

I'm going to the doctor's after work today. I hope I don't have herpes.

(For those of you who have commented on how you miss the accompanying pictures on my blog, I want you to know that I googled "rash", and found a lot of disgusting images that you don't want to see. Have you ever seen pictures of a smallpox rash? NASTY. I am also not planning on posting a picture of my rash. Hopefully, the next post will lend itself better to accompanying pictures. I apologize for the inconvenience.)

Oh Gloria

My old roommate Gloria has an unfortunate habit of messing up her sayings and making them turn out wrong. I enjoy them so much, I need to share them with the blogsphere.

People sometimes add the word "ass" to the end of an adjective to give it extra oomph.
Examples: Big-ass rock, Dumb-ass boyfriend, Stupid-ass father.

Two days ago, Gloria called me up to have the following conversation:

Gloria: "Why are there no good guys out there? I haven't had sex in AGES!"

Carol: "There are, you just need to stop being so impossibly picky. You're so impossibly picky 99% of the time, that you never get any sex. And then that 1% of the time occurs when you get so desperate that you'll have sex with a hobo. Then you accidentally fall in love with the hobo and become scarred for life. Then you become impossibly picky again."

Gloria: "It's not fair!! Why can't I just have some sex? I JUST WANT SOME REGULAR, NORMAL-ASS SEX!!"

Carol: "You...you want some ass-sex?"

Eric: (eavesdropping) "Oh my god."

I am so happy that Gloria is hanging out with us again.

What I Did On The Weekend

O Canada.

I love Canada Day long weekend. It's so festive and exciting. Last year, we didn't celebrate Canada Day so much as we celebrated Luke and Cathy's Canada Day Wedding, and then woke up the next morning to move into our new condo, hungover like shit. Because shit can get really hungover...like over the toilet bowl, hanging from your butthole...or something.

So this year we were determined to make up for lost time - by taking a five day weekend!!

THURSDAY NIGHT
We left Toronto at 6:30pm, and started driving to Kingston. An hour earlier, I had scored sleeping arrangements at a friend's house...I should probably call her TheHippie here, because ThePeach's blog calls her that, and ThePeach seems to have a thing for anonymity. Because she is a movie star assassin. From Africa. Though...does this ruin anything if I say I'm driving to Kingston? Whatever, this is my blog, and I say screw you anonymity! SCREW YOU!!

So we drove into Kingston, and went directly to Greco's, the tastiest place on Earth. Greco's is our FAVOURITE restaurant. Did you see the bold capital letters? We LURVE Greco's. We lurve Greco's so much, that a week after we got engaged, we drove to Kingston to tell the people at Greco's we had gotten engaged. We lurve them so much, we should have married them instead of each other.

We had planned to pop in for a quick dinner, because it was about 9:00pm by the time all the kissy kissy hellos were finished, and we were sitting down. And we had to meet up with TheHippie. Well, one thing led to another, and we ended up doing the full-blown Greco's experience, complete with extensive overeating and the drinking of a beautiful bottle of Cormon's Pinot Grigio. The owner sat down and had a drink with us. Our waiter sat down and had a drink with us. I ate till I was sick. I stumbled out of there with a great buzz and a stomach distended out to the harbour. I was sexy.

We met up with TheHippie and ThePeach at TheSketchySketchyBarNamedAfterATropicalBird. Having drinks and chatting with ThePeach and TheHippie is FUN TIMES! They have exciting and hilarious stories which are so very entertaining when acted out. Not to mention, ThePeach's metro doctor boyfriend FauxHawk got to meet my metro programmer husband Eric, and I swear they were flirting a bit. FauxHawk might have turned Eric on to expensive shaving accoutrements. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

In any case, we left TheSketchySketchyBarNamedAfterATropicalBird way later than planned, and went back to TheHippie's place for slumber. ZzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

FRIDAY
We woke up early, around 8:00am. Sick, I know. TheHippie had to drive to her cottage, so we were booting it out of there so as not to be overly inconvenient...I was rather hungover from the moderate drinking the night before, and I just wanted to hang out somewhere and relax. Eric the Sadist Husband, on the other hand, wanted to hike it up and down Princess Street four times! I was too tired and confused to put up a fight until we had walked up and down that street so much my legs were starting to shake. We went to an open air market, bought some jams and honeys, went to another fav restaurant (Stooley's), and ate club sandwiches and onions rings and awesome awesome fries. I went poo in the Indigo bookstore along Princess, because I REALLY had to go. There is a gross story associated with going poo at Indigo. I won't go into detail here, but it involves not enough water in the bowl, and a medium-large pile of Greco's Stuffed Trout poo that sat on the dry part and was difficult to flush down, even after eight flushes. But I won't go into detail.

We left Kingston at around 1:00pm and headed towards Ottawa. Whoohoo Ottawa!! We got lost a couple times. Eric missed the exit. And it had nothing to do with my directions.

After meeting up with Rob the Halfie Environmentalist Accountant at his house, he took us to a BBQ at his parents place. Does this sound weird to you? Because it was kind of random. We were going to be staying with Rob for most of the weekend though, and we figured if he had family commitments, we don't mind tagging along. And hello, BBQ at a halfie house. Fun times! Rob neglected to mention that there would be a HUGE group of family there, complete with halfie babies running around everywhere. We met a lot of Rob's extended family. They're really funny and blunt and have funky attitudes. It was really quite fun, and really quite adorable. And really quite extra random.

On a somewhat related note, I have a new girlcrush: Rob's sister Kyla is awesome!! She's gorgeous and confident and incredibly nice. I really want her to think I'm cool. I hope she doesn't read this.

After the Halfie House Hijinx, we went back to Rob's house with Kyla and her man-friend. We watched Monty Python Holy Grail until most people were asleep. Then we retired to our rooms for slumber. ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

SATURDAY
This day was long, somewhat random, and almost neverending. I woke up and found Rob in the basement watching boring boring sports. I sat and pretended to watch it to be polite. I don't know why I bothered, I think I was groggy from having just woken up. My efforts paid off though, because after that, he made us breakfast. That man makes some wicked overeasy eggs with bacon. He should teach seminars!

What followed was a random stream of events involving food and alcohol. For example, Kyla came over, we made a lasagna, we made slushie girlie drinks with rum, Rob made way too many BBQ burgers, people came over, we had to learn their names, we ate burgers, we drank slushie drinks, we ate lasagna, we watched boring boring soccer, we ate sausages.

Then we went downtown! Fireworks were awesome. Thumbs up to the horny horny teenagers making out like animals in front of us. Thumbs down to the old assholes who thought it was cool to smoke stinky stinky cigars in a crowd.

Then it started raining...just a bit. We walked an annoying distance and found a decent bar. Drinky drinky zucchini sticksy. Rob ate sketchy nachos that would come back to hurt him later.

Then our cheerleader friends Shawna and Helen decided they wanted to go dance like whores. I also decided it would be fun to dance like whores. So we went outside to find a whore-dancing bar. It had started raining...a lot. We walked into a sketchy bar with whore-dancing. Dancing like whores ensued. It was one of those horrifyingly gross places where sweat condenses on the pipes above and drips back down all over your whore body as you whore-dance.

The truth was, as far as whore-dancing goes, this wasn't so whoreish. It was more just fun. I just really felt like using the word whore repeatedly. Whore.

By the time the whore-dancing was done, it was late and pouring rain outside. Let me emphasize - POURING RAIN. And NO CABS. Long story short, we stood outside for about an hour trying to get a cab, and then deciding to walk to City Hall instead, where Rob's brother picked us up, and we soaked up his car, and I almost peed myself from holding it in.

Back at Rob's, we made him make us hot dogs. Then those nachos acted up, and he had to go to bed, writhing in pain. After a quick clean of the kitchen, we also went to bed for slumber. ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz

Sex: Negative.

SUNDAY
I was looking forward to this day ALL WEEKEND. It was RIB SMOKING DAY!! Rob and I had planned to try smoking ribs on his BBQ. I had found some apple wood chips, and had watched many episodes on FoodTV on how to smoke ribs.

This day consisted of rib preparation, lunch at a wood-burning oven pizza place (oh oh oh so good), rollerblading along the canal to the Parliament Buildings, and almost running over pedestrians. Eric alarmed everyone on the street with his loud and squeaky brakes. Ironically, he was the one least likely to run over people. I - of the flailing arms - and Rob - of the no brakes at all - were much more dangerous.

After the rollerblading adventure, we went back to the house to commence the smoking of the pork ribs. They were delicious, and I now consider myself to be a genius. A genius, I tell you. We wrapped up the night with a visit to Lindsay Hardy's place, which was every bit as cute as you could imagine Lindsay Hardy's place would be. Then back to Rob's place for slumber. ZzzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

MONDAY
There are few people who love food as much as we do, with the same one-minded concentrated intensity. Lindsay Hardy is one of those people. We love eating food with Lindsay. We met up with her for lunch at Dunn's. This blog posting is getting quite long, or I would spend two paragraphs describing the hot fatty orgasmic sensation of the meat sandwiches we ordered. Meat sandwiches. I'm salivating in my cheeks just thinking about it. Meat sandwiches.

I'm a meat sandwich whore.

Oh god. That didn't sound right at all.

I don't even care. I'M A MEAT SANDWICH WHORE!!

We followed up the meat sandwich fest with beavertails and gelato. Oh god, I was so full.

Then Monday Part Two started, as we packed up all our gitch and went up to Rob's cottage for the night. A few of his other friends came too...guy friends. It was Sausagefest Plus Carol. Does this sound random to you? It kind of was. I drank more beer than normal, and I think the exposure to too much testosterone made me stupid.

In any case, when we got to the cottage, it was thunderstorming. We all ran inside the cottage, and Rob decided to go for a swim, and take out some boat motor while he was at it. We watched him go out in the gusting storm and get in the lake. He very impressively removed some boat motor and also brought in a canoe. Then, instead of going for a swim in the storm, he came back in looking scared but stupidly happy.

Rob: "Uhh...I think I got shocked by lightning while I was in the water!"

Then the guys all went swimming, and came back scratching.

Rob: "Oh, by the way. You can get an itch from this lake - I think it's the duck poo."

The guys made steak which Rob marinated with dirty hands, burned a loaf of garlic bread most of the way to charcoal, ate it anyway, then played videogames and drank beer. I kicked some ass in Dr. Mario, then passed out on the couch from too much beer and testosterone-induced stupidity. Then I retired to the bedroom for slumber. ZzzzZzzzzZzzzz.

Sex: Negative.

TUESDAY
Woke up, went to a pancake maple syrup place. Delicious pancakes. Eric ate about twice as much as everyone else without missing a beat. Rob managed to drop a cup full of coffee in such a way that it exploded all over the table. Went outside, looked for sheep. Guys went on a (children's) zipline. One skinned his knee rather badly, and Rob decided to hang upside down while going down the zipline, SLAMMED into the (not so) padded building at the end, and dropped to the ground like a sack of groaning potatoes.

Returned to cottage, guys went swimming again in the duck poo lake. Ate watermelon. Packed up. Rob found a litre of milk in the fridge and decided to drink it.

We left Rob's cottage in the mid-afternoon, and drove into Kingston. We had his friend Jay with us...he was moving in with his girlfriend that weekend in Toronto, and was really quite nervous about it. We stopped into Kingston, and went to Greco's for take-out, and to Bubba's for gross gross deep-fry. We got fries with gravy, onion rings, and a slice of sketchy sketchy pizza. We ate it in the car, and I bloated like a blimp. It was delicious. I was sexy.

We got home, and I complained about deepfry tummyache and being tired while wonderful Eric unpacked and took care of me. I showered, watched tv, and chatted with Gloria on the phone. I got into my awesome awesome Sealy Posturepedic pillowtop bed for slumber. ZzzzzzZZzzzzzZZzzzz.

Sex: You betcha!! As soon as we got home!!

I will end with a haiku.

What a long blog post
Five days means a lot to write
Working sucks duck poo