Carols

I like Christmas songs. I especially appreciate how they are named after me. I know the holiday season is upon us when I start humming Carols while washing my hands after using the washroom. But there are some Christmas songs that drive me bonkers. While I delight in my own renditions of songs, and numerous recorded versions of old-time favourites, some recorded songs are very very bad. These are the ones I hate the most:

Andy Williams - Happy Holidays/Holiday Season
This song is played in all malls without exception. I don't know who made the decision to include it in the mixed CD for Christmas, but it's just awful. The worst part about it isn't the slightly nauseating melody, but the non-sensical lyrics.

It's the holiday season,
So hoop-de-doo and dickery dock
And don't forget to hang up your sock
'Cause just exactly at 12 o'clock
He'll be comin' down the chimney down

Seeing as this verse comes fairly late in the song, I can only imagine that they ran out of "holiday" lyrics and decided to make up some words. "Hoop-de-doo and dickery dock"? I'll bet they thought of the "sock" line first, and then couldn't think of anything that rhymed with "sock" other than "cock". So they made up some random words instead. And then, what exactly does it mean when he says "He'll be comin' down the chimney down"? I think they just needed another syllable, so they picked a random one-syllable word. Unfortunately for them, they picked a word that occured just three words previously. In any case, it makes no sense, and it makes me crazy.

Britney Spears - Any song she ever recorded for Christmas
Every time I hear a Britney Spears holiday song (ie: My Only Wish), I come away singing to myself, not the song I just heard, but "Sometimes". This is annoying.

The version of "I'll Be Home for Christmas" at Williams Sonoma
So I may have lied - not everything at Williams Sonoma is awesome beyond belief. Their Christmas music mix is overall extremely good, with two exceptions. That awful Andy Williams thing mentioned above, and this rendition of I'll Be Home for Christmas by a woman who sounds like she was constipated on a toilet at the time of the recording. I've actually acted out my interpretation of this song for my colleagues to great acclaim. I kind of squat a little and scrunch up my face and sing along to the recording, drawing on my own past experiences in bowel difficulty. Aside from the attention I get from my performance, I enjoy nothing about this song.

Any version of Coventry Carol
This song, with its haunting melody and creepy "lully lullay" chant at the end of every verse makes me think of worms and death.

That Porky Pig version of "Blue Christmas" they play on CHFI
Enough already.

I don't want to give the impression that I am Scroogey about Christmas songs. There are many that I adore, and would sing all year round if I could! Here are some of my favourite Christmas recordings:

Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is You
This song makes me dance till I'm silly in the head. What's even better is that it also makes Eric dance till he's silly in the head. We like to put it on and dance together till we're both so silly in the head, we need to sit down for some quiet time.

John Rutter and the Cambridge Singers - Candlelight Carol, Angel's Carol
These are wonderful choral pieces by John Rutter, which we sang in high school. The melodies are beautiful, and the Cambridge Singers did recordings of them. I sing these a lot in the shower, and also in the car by myself on the way to work. This simulates early morning soprano sectionals at school where I would sing out of tune with a very tired and gross voice.

Percy Faith - Christmas Is
A cheesy upon cheesy rendition of The Christmas Song, which we also sang in choir. The sheet music was complete with stage instructions, including the point at which a young boy should run onto the stage and open a gift box containing a puppy. I don't actually have a recording of this song, I just sing it a lot - again, in the shower.

Lee Ann Womack - The Man With the Bag
This song is very jaunty and gets me jiving and boogeying. It's nice because this song is also included in the Williams Sonoma Christmas selection. I have a personal problem with the song because for some reason, I like to sing "Everybody's waiting for the man in the bag". I'm pretty sure there's no man in any bag in Christmas tradition and lore but for some reason, it seems to roll off my tongue real nice.

South Park - Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo
I find this song hilarious, and it uses the word "poo" a lot.

Happy final Christmas shopping, and may the malls and restaurants you patronize this season play all carols that don't piss you off.