Bad Habits

I maintain that I was an exceedingly good kid when I was young. I practiced my piano, did my math problems, and never loitered at the mall or movie theatre after school. I didn't drink or smoke or do drugs. I don't know why my parents sent me to Army Cadets when I was 14. They said I was undisciplined. I felt they were unfairly overcritical.

I've felt this way about my parents' opinions for most of my life. I've tearfully screamed that they were overprotective and oppressive. I've threatened to call child services when I got my ass whipped with chopsticks for being insolent. I've accused them of trying to make me into something I'm not. And just like that scene in The Joy Luck Club, I've shouted that I'm not their slave and that this isn't China.

Since then I have learned a saying in which I wholeheartedly believe: There's no such thing as bad kids, only bad parents. This made my rebuttals much easier.

Mom: You're so difficult, why are you such a little jerk?!
Carol: Whatever Mom, you raised me. You must have screwed up somewhere. You can probably just blame yourself!

Okay, I boast and I lie. I would never say anything like that to my mom, I'm too scared (okay, maybe once I said something like that to her during a big fight, and it didn't go well at all...sorry, I digress). But I do like to blame things on her a lot, just to get a reaction. Like this winter when I was sick a lot...my mom likes to get angry with me when I get sick or injured. She berates me for being stupid enough to get sick/injured. Then she becomes offended, because it's a personal insult to her. The logic behind this is that SHE gave me my body, SHE gave me life, SHE made my body with her own body, therefore, my body IS her body. So if I cut open my finger, I'm ACTUALLY cutting open HER finger, and what the hell kind of daughter cuts open her own mother's finger?? So I was really sick this winter...

Mom: You stupid girl. Why are you so stupid? Your body is wimpy and weak!
Carol: I don't know, Mom. It must be because you didn't let me suck on your boobies when I was a baby, and so I didn't get all the proper vitamins and antibodies the other babies got. You were selfish with your boobymilk. Derek and I are going to die.
Mom: Oh, isn't that nice?! Blame everything on your mother!! You ungrateful daughter!!!

I laughed my ass off.

Anyway, the point is that my parents and I never really saw eye-to-eye about my faults. But I have since learned that they were 100% correct about a particular recurring battle-topic. They used to go on and on and on about how I was like a sponge with new friends. They said that every time I made a new friend and hung around with them, I would inevitably start to imitate the things they did. Not all the things they did, no, only the BAD things they did. Usually bad attitudes and potty mouths. I drove them up the wall. I loved making new friends, so I was always coming home with new bad habits. I thought they were being stupid and crazy, and overcritical as usual. But it turns out, they were right.

I noticed this a few years ago...now understand, I met some of the most AMAZING people at university, people I worship and adore and admire and love with all my heart. That's not to say that they don't have certain habits. I first noticed my sponge-like quality when Peggy graduated and we stopped seeing each other all the time. Peggy is just finishing up medical school and is one of the most caring, loving, giving, beautiful people I have ever had the honour to know. She was my best friend, and my maid of honour at my wedding. I love Peggy all the way to death. And Peggy has a big potty mouth.

You don't even really notice it that much, because she's so sweet when dropping f-bombs. But they're all over the place. She does it in front of her family too, so there's really no censorship. She also uses extremely explicit phrases, all with a gorgeous smile, and all said in the most casual and breezy fashion. When she swears, you don't think it's rude.

Carol: I can't believe how that Russian guy treated you, that's ridiculous.
Peggy: I know! But it's okay, I'll be seeing him next week, and I have a great tan. I'm going to look fucking gorgeous, and he's going to cream his fucking pants!
Carol: Wow....

The following week, I'm on the phone with my brother.

Derek: ...and I watched that movie with Rachel McAdams.
Carol: Oh yeah? Isn't she so fucking hot? Did you cream your fucking pants?!
Derek: .........

Sometimes it's not even bad habits. It's just habits that are totally uncool on me. Like when we visit Lindsay Hardy. She's one cool cat, and she speaks all cool with her cool lingo. After we visited Lindsay...

Eric: Do you want to stop and get Wendy's for dinner?
Carol: (all cool) ...Whatev.
Eric: I'm going to stop you right there. You can't pull that off.
Carol: (not cool) ...WHAT...EV!!!!

And recently, I discovered that I don't even need to be hanging around with my friends to pick up habits. I can just read bad language and pick it up. Iain Gomme pointed me towards www.tuckermax.com, and this guy is potty-mouth-and-a-half. I'm so addicted to his crazy stories, he's hilarious. Yesterday I was walking around, behaving like an ass, and dropping f-bombs all over the place.

Me: (on the toilet) I'm going to have a shower, get me my fucking towel?
Eric: ...okay.
Me: (on the toilet) Am I swearing a lot?
Eric: Yes.
Me: (on the toilet) I think it's that website I'm reading.
Eric: Yes.
Me: (on the toilet) You don't swear?
Eric: Try not to.
Me (on the toilet) Even if other people swear?
Eric: No.
Me: (on the toilet) My parents were right. Fuck fuck fuck.

I will end with a slightly disturbing haiku.

You're your parents' flesh
With their bodies they made yours
They can smell your soul