If Eric didn't regularly do the sex with me (a girl), I might think he was gay. I don't mind or anything, I'm just saying. I think he has come to embrace his metrosexuality, and it has become a source of pride. In the first months of dating, he admitted to me shamefacedly that when he was in high school there was a rumour going around that he was gay, this despite the fact that he was the ultimate kissing slut. Now when he brings it up he says it proudly, like a kid pointing out his spelling bee trophy. And now, a list.Why My Man is Gay-Minus-Bumjamming:
- He is obsessed with designer hairstyling products. Not just the gel you can get at Shopper's, no he has to go to Trade Secrets or another special hair products store and buy the flexible hair wax mousse gel with polymers for $50/tub.
- He goes to a stylist and a colourist instead of a barber.
- He went to Sephora and bought a bottle of man face lotion, which he carefully, lovingly, sparingly applies every night.
- He shaves more than just his face.
- He tweezes more than just his nosehair.
- He owns three expensive watches (that's two more than I own).
- He talks about getting a man purse so that his wallet, keys, and cell phone don't ruin the drape of his pants.
- He obsesses about his bodyfat, and makes comments about other people's bodyfat.
- He can't pass a Mexx store without going in and possibly buying something.
- He wants all his clothes to be fitted very close to his body.
- He avoids white carbs and loves ordering salad for a meal.
- He wants manicures and facials.
- He uses a bodypuff and moisturizing bodywash.
- He wears tighty whitey meshy underwear so that his tight pants and jeans look smoother, and so his buttskin can still breathe.
In other news, I started putting my Queen's photos into albums, and there are many pictures of me with my tongue down other girls' throats, sometimes scantily clad. I don't know what that makes me, but my kids are going to think that Mommy was a lesbian slut in university.
7 comments:
OK... hang on!
There are a few points of clarification that need to be addressed.
1. The hair products which I purchase cost at most $25. The most recent one was $12, which I think is a steal! :)
2. Carol's parents bought me two of the three expensive watches that I own.
3. It's not so much a man purse as one of those cool one strap backpacks... really I want it for trips and vacations so that I don't need to carry around Carol's actual purse.
4. Carol was the one who introduced me to the bodypuff. It's her fault!!!
The rest of the stuff for the most part is true. :)
I really think that more guys take part in such bahaviour than you might think, but lack the confidence in their own masculinity to admit it publicly.
That, and most guys don't have a wife like Carol that will splatter all of this information on the internet.
For the record, I think both are admirable, and reflect people who are confident in who they are.
Hmmm. I don't know about the man purse. But I have witnessed Carol make Eric hold her purse for her quite often...for very lengthy periods of time. So, I suppose the single strap "backpack" would probably be slightly better. Personally I just carry around an actual backpack, which I got from gap kids. Which probably doesn't help that as a 25 year old I still get carded for rated R movies.
Ok, so the hair gells/wax is understandable. I also own some hair wax that was insanley priced, but sometimes your hair just has to look good. (on a side note, my old housemate used to mix hair gell with elmers school glue to make his hair stay. it was all fine and good until the next morning when it used to flake like crazy)
The man purse, that's a bit of a delema. I mean, I guess you could say it's european...but it seems like it would carry books a lot better than another purse.
Bodypuff??? There had better be a battleship that has been shot with a puffy cloud of smoke above it on the lable.
(is it really that good?? might invest if reviews are good).
Here's to male security!
Cheers!
Prince Ericah can do no wrong, it's too bad more men aren't metropolitan heterosexual...and yes Babyface, bodypuffs and body wash are divine creations, you don't know what you're missing.
You might have just described my boyfriend perfectly. Seriously, we can never let FauxHawk and Eric meet because they will realize that they are soulmates and leave us. And then we'll be forced to return to our days of lesbian slutting.
FauxHawk used to be a ballerina, too.
I've learned to be thankful for the sex and that I have someone to point out my fashion faux-pas.
Dear Hubby,
I love you.
1) Perhaps I exaggerated the unit price of your hair products. However, the total cost of the hair products you own well exceed $50. We'll call it a wash.
2) My parents love you more. I hate them and I resent you.
3) If you wouldn't insist on loading up my small vacay bags with all your heavy man-vacation-accoutrements, I would not make you carry it! But this is a separate issue, you have commented how perhaps you should get a man-purse so that you don't have bulges-and-not-in-a-good-way in your pants.
4) That's true, I did make you start with the bodypuff. That is my fault.
Dear Iain,
Here here. More guys should be metro. It's sexy, who really wants a guy who smells like sweaty BO and doesn't brush his teeth, and whose pores are going to be ridden with blackheads by the time he's 35?
Dear Barely Legal,
I don't see how you need to defend Eric all the time. You love him more than me. I hate you and I resent him. (I'm kidding, I love you very much, and your Gap Kids backpack rules).
Dear BabyFace,
Bodypuffs are FANTASTIC. They're soft but scrubby, they clean thoroughly but don't give you rashes or red skin. And they come in so many different colours!
Dear Soup Na(t)zi,
My husband is definitely a catch and a half, but you really think Prince Ericah can do no wrong? Let's have him vomit in your mouth while you're sleeping, and then we'll talk.
Dear ThePeach,
Oh lord. I was actually starting to look forward to meeting FauxHawk perhaps the next time I'm in Universitytown. But I won't, at least not with Eric around. You see, Eric also develop man-crushes. This is probably one of those things I'm going to get in trouble for saying...but he does.
Having said that, lesbian slutting was good times. Girls have soft lips and cute hands, don't you think?
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