Freak

You think you know Eric, that he's a nice, kind, polite, doting husband. You're not wrong. You think that he isn't disturbing or crazy. You're really wrong.

I thought I had a good handle on Eric's weirdness, because I credit myself for bringing it out in him. He was kind of uptight and serious before, but I could see a glimmer of inner-silliness. I watered it and coaxed it out, and Eric is now a fun silly monkey. Silly monkey! Monkey monkey monkey!!

But a month ago, he freaked me right the hell out. It has taken me this long to be able to talk about it.

On May 2, 2006, he got home at around 6:15pm, and I was taking a nap in the guest bed. He took off his work clothes, and came to wake me up. We chatted a bit, nothing was out of the ordinary. He went to have a quick shower, because his skin was gross and clammy from riding the subway.

He came out of the shower a changed man.

I had moved from the guest room and was sitting on our marital bed, stalling on going to the gym as usual. I sprawled my jigglified body out on the king-sized goodness, and prepared for a sweet satisfying stretch. I was just breathing in and letting my muscles extend when out of my peripheral vision, I saw my husband, eyes wide open with a gaping vacant smile, arms and hands held out like a retarded dinosaur, lunging towards me with a eerily small and high pitched "raaaaaaaarr!!". My partially stretched body seized up with shock and panic and I screamed. I scrambled backward on the bed, as he pounced up like a cat and looked at me, same vacant smile, same wild eyes.

Carol: Get away from me, you freak!!
Freak: Why?
Carol: I'm stretching and you're FREAKING ME OUT!!
Freak: I'll stretch too!

Freak then proceeded to stretch, all the while holding my gaze, same vacant smile, same wild eyes. He twisted and and flexed, rolling his head to keep his eyes trained on my eyes. I watched him in horror and fascination. He looked at me. I looked at him. He looked at me. I suddenly shrieked from bunched up nerves and frustration in not being able to complete my stretch. I demanded that he leave the room so I could stretch. Freak moved off the bed, his eyes never leaving me. He glided backward towards the door and stood just outside, watching. Waiting. Same vacant smile, same wild eyes.

Carol: Get the fuck out of here!!! You're FREAKING ME OUT!!! Go into the other washroom and close the door!!!

Freak thought he would be smart. He went to the other washroom, out of my view, and closed the door. But I could tell he wasn't inside, he had simply closed the door from the outside. Sure enough, he moved slowly across my line of vision into the kitchen, very obviously not locked in the washroom. Watching me. I screamed at him, incoherent sounds. I was panicked and nervous, and I didn't know what he was doing. I could hear him rummaging around in the kitchen. What was he getting? A knife?! About 15 seconds later, he reappeared in my line of vision. Same vacant smile, same wild eyes. He looked at me. And in his hand, was a wooden spoon. He just STOOD THERE STARING AT ME, HOLDING UP A WOODEN SPOON!!!

Carol: What the hell is wrong with you?!! What are you doing?? STOP IT, YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT!!!!!!!

He backed up slowly until he was out of my line of sight again. I was so creeped out. It was all so eerie and weird!! None of it made sense!! It was like worms growing out of a piece of metal and not being able to escape. I ran out of the bedroom, into the living room. I went to the balcony and opened the screen door, maybe so that I could jump off the balcony? I don't know what I was doing, I was very panicked.

At that moment, Freak appeared again. In his hands this time was a set of metal tongs. He looked at me. I looked at him. He looked at me. And snapped the tongs twice with a gleam in his eye. SNAP SNAP!! I screamed like an incensed Amazonian retard and hurled myself at him, trying to grab his balls. I thought desperately that if I could succeed in getting my claws on his balls, he would himself freak out and snap out of his apparent bout of creepy insanity. As I lunged for his sac full of testes, he started snapping the tongs at me, and the net result was that he caught one of my hands, and I got a small cut on my middle finger.

At this point, the vacant smile and vacant eyes disappeared, and Eric quickly put away the tongs. He came back to apologize, all traces of Freak gone. I was still looking at him warily. I let him hug me and soothe me, and I willed myself to stop thinking about his terrifying rampage.

We went to the gym afterwards, and all was well.

I just wish that I would stop getting the nightmares.