Delilah knows how to pick 'em

A few weeks ago, my old roommate Delilah got dumped. It was a painful dump (haha!) not because she was in love with the guy and he was "The One", but because she didn't really like him in the first place, and was only keeping him around for convenience. So of course, when our boy Lyle decided they weren't right for each other and ended it, she was upset.

What I love about other people's breakups is that once the relationships are through, all bets are off, and secrets come pouring out like diarrhea from a corpse. What I PARTICULARLY love about the end of THIS relationship, is that I already had enough reasons to be thoroughly convinced that any friend of mine shouldn't be dating this guy, and then it got horrendously, exponentially, gleefully worse. And now, two lists:

Reasons Why I Think You Should Not Date Lyle:
1) He didn't get Delilah a birthday present, and she paid for her own birthday dinner. And we are in our late 20's.

2) He expected her to pay for everything, all the time. He is a mooch. And we are in our late 20's.

3) He didn't open doors, and didn't see why he should. This point can be debated; with gender equality as a springboard, many people feel that men shouldn't have to open doors for women if women are going to make a big fuss about being able to vote, and go to work. I don't care what anybody says, guys will still get points for opening doors for their women regardless of gender equality. It's the same way girls will still get points for baking cookies naked, then bringing their men cold beers while they watch TV.

4) He has uncool tattoos. In what is probably the lamest tattoo story ever, Lyle has a tattoo of the roman numeral VII somewhere on his god-forsaken body. Why? Because he thinks the number 7 is cool. And every seven years, he plans to get another number 7 tattooed somewhere. That's like me saying "I like the letter R, I'm going to get it in different fonts all over my body!"

5) He was not originally friends with us, and he came to our home twice, and I made large amounts of food for him each time (not naked - I don't need points that badly). Not once did he even bring so much as a bottle of wine or a bunch of grapes. The first time it happened, we overlooked it. The second time it happened we had made a full dinner, plus an afternoon full of snacks, Eric and I looked askance at one another and thought "Hmmm". But when he went so far as to request a homemade chocolate cake for his "next visit", we stopped inviting him over. Obviously, he was raised by bears in a cave.

Reasons Why I Think You Should Not Date Lyle - Insider's Edition:
1) He has a hairy penis shaft. Like, not just normal pubic hair at the base of his penis, but actual forests of hair growing about halfway up the ACTUAL SHAFT. And once, he shaved it, and then it grew back stubbly, and then Delilah was the unwilling owner of an exfoliated vagina.

2) He is not circumcised, and does not regularly pull back his foreskin to clean underneath. The bears must not have shown him how.

Does anyone know what smegma is? I literally did not even know this word before now. It's also referred to as "dick cheese", or "shaft yogurt", or "prickorino romano". Much to my horror, I learned that smegma is a mammalian secretion, a combination of exfoliated epithelial cells, transudated skin oils, moisture, and bacteria that can accumulate under the foreskin of males. And if allowed to accumulate, will stink.

Lyle maintains a large malodorous accumulation of shaft yogurt under his uncircumcised foreskin. Delilah could SMELL it. She never went down on him because the STANK of his genitals made her dryheave. And he did not see a problem with this. In hindsight, it's not surprising that Delilah got a urinary tract infection every time he came to visit.

3) His penis is deformed. The uncircumcised foreskin, due to unknown circumstances, is actually permanently fused to his glans. So even had he felt the compulsion to pull it back and clean underneath, he would not have been able to pull it back all the way. Our theory is that the dick cheese buildup got so intense in his childhood, that it just became a part of his body, forming a bridge of solidified cheesy stank, connecting his foreskin to his mushroom cap.

4) And finally, he once paid a whore to have sex with his hairy deformed dick of cheese. Seriously, he once went out, and paid an actual prostitute to take his oozing fused prickly shaft into her disease-ridden tunnel. Which is so many levels of dirty, I can't even wrap my head around it. I mean, I've known people who have slept with some dirty people. I personally know some dirty people themselves. But none of those people, to my knowledge, have ever gone out and paid for the use of a professional splooge receptacle.

Apparently, he was in Europe with a friend, and his friend wanted to go see strippers. But this wasn't a normal stripclub, no. This was a stripclub with PACKAGES. Something along the lines of:

Package A: a drink and admission
Package B: a drink, admission, and a lapdance
Package C: a drink, admission, a lapdance, and a 10-minute penetrative humping session with an in-house whore, and a complimentary towel for your use

The friend opted out of Package C, and stuck with Package B. But upon learning that Package C only cost 20% more than Package B, Lyle decided this was a deal too good to pass up, and he asked his friend to wait outside as he contracted all forms of European V.D. as his own special souvenir.

I will end with a haiku expressing my feelings about how Delilah should not be allowed to make decisions for herself:

Del, your judgement sucks
Oozing cheese dick poisons you
Shudder shudder, barf