Squoosh

I go through small lusty obsessions, and I know you do too. They come in phases, with some recurring themes. Like for example, when I was 16, it was all about Brad Pitt. I had a trillion Brad Pitt posters and I even bought the Brad Pitt Biography. Poo-Defensive-Jen and I got together one weekend and had a Brad Pitt Video-Fest, where we watched a whole bunch of Brad Pitt movies in a row. I remember watching Seven, and being scared out of my mind, but it was okay, because Brad Pitt was in it. Brad Pitt is always a recurring theme.

Other lucky winners of my favour have included Orlando Bloom, Christian Bale, and Matthew McConaughey.

Recently, the love of my imaginary life has been Patrick Wilson. He's not as showy-good-looking as Brad Pitt, and I think he's actually balding a little bit. At the very least, I think his hair might be thinning. But he's very goodlooking and sexy upon sexy. To make a long rant short, he's a good actor, and a good singer, and he's really hot, and it would be pretty awesome to be routinely pinned under him for no particular reason.

Now everyone is going to jump to Eric's defense. Go ahead, say it...

"Eric is a wonderful husband, and you are terrible."

"You should be happy being pinned under Eric! And if you're not, I'm sure there are people who would love to take over your job for you."

"Poor Eric, he loves you so much, and he's so good to you. And you are not good to him, look at you with your lusting after imaginary men who are balding."

"My name is David and I want Eric for myself."

To be honest, I was starting to worry that my big big imaginary crush was heading into Pathetic territory. And then yesterday, I went on a Patrick Wilson internet browse.

I Googled "Patrick Wilson" (I'm not going to lie, it wasn't the first time) , and clicked on random sites to see if there were any cute images I'd missed. Is that sad? I don't care, you're probably going to do it after reading this post to see what the big deal is. And there are message boards. So yesterday, I thought I'd read some of these message boards to see what they were all about. There was an "Official Patrick Wilson Love" board which sounded especially intriguing, so I went on to read...

And wow, I'm nowhere near as obsessed as these people. I felt instantly better about my big big crush. Because as much as I have a big big crush, I do not belong to a message board like that!

These people (women mostly, I presume) post passive aggressive comments that are designed to edge out other people in the competition of Who Loves Patrick the Most. Oh yes, they're on a first name basis with him. And they call his (sexy pregnant) wife Dagmara Dominczyk "Dag". Which really just creeps me out. One woman told everyone how she bought her husband an outfit like Patrick Wilson's in Phantom, and made him wear it. They all list how many times they watched Phantom of the Opera, both in the theatres and on their special edition dvd at home. You get extra special bonus points if you went to see him live in The Full Monty or Oklahoma!, and the people who have actually met him? They're super-cocky, and they get the most bragging rights, and everyone is endlessly jealous of them. They also abbreviate his movies and songs and make them into acronyms. So Phantom is 'POTO' and the song All I Ask of You is 'AIAOY'.

Yet nobody actually has the guts to come out and say anything like "I want him to violate me in ways that would make my father want to stick his fingers in his eyes and scramble his own brains." They say things like "He is squooshy. I would love to squoosh him". What does that mean? Obviously a thinly-veiled euphemism for "I want him to violate me in ways that would make my father want to stick his fingers in his eyes and scramble his own brains.", but I imagine because they all want to try to meet him, they're afraid that he'll know what they said. And the person who made the "squoosh" comment was 'playfully' chastised by someone who was probably pretty upset that this girl was thinking sexual thoughts about him, "Oh, you need to wash your mind out with soap! LOL"

But the best part was when one person proclaimed "I want him!!" Then someone jumped all over her and told her to get in line. Then everybody else chimed in to agree, and to announce their own presence in the line. Then they argued over who was at the front of the line.

My own lusty obsession pales in comparison. I might be silly, but I'm not that silly.

You're probably going to wonder how Eric feels about P.Willy. He's cool. He actually really likes Patrick Wilson himself, and agrees that he's a good actor, a good singer, and he's really hot. The only part he doesn't agree with is my enthusiastic assertion that it would be pretty awesome to be routinely pinned under him for no particular reason. Which is fair.

He's a good man, my Eric. And hot as hell himself. Actually, the ladies at work say that the only reason I like Patrick Wilson is because he's an older, blonde, singing variation of Eric. Not too shabby for Carol.

I will end with a spontaneous haiku.

Hey Patrick you're so
Fine, you're so fine you blow my
Mind, hey Patrick. Squoosh.