Carols

I like Christmas songs. I especially appreciate how they are named after me. I know the holiday season is upon us when I start humming Carols while washing my hands after using the washroom. But there are some Christmas songs that drive me bonkers. While I delight in my own renditions of songs, and numerous recorded versions of old-time favourites, some recorded songs are very very bad. These are the ones I hate the most:

Andy Williams - Happy Holidays/Holiday Season
This song is played in all malls without exception. I don't know who made the decision to include it in the mixed CD for Christmas, but it's just awful. The worst part about it isn't the slightly nauseating melody, but the non-sensical lyrics.

It's the holiday season,
So hoop-de-doo and dickery dock
And don't forget to hang up your sock
'Cause just exactly at 12 o'clock
He'll be comin' down the chimney down

Seeing as this verse comes fairly late in the song, I can only imagine that they ran out of "holiday" lyrics and decided to make up some words. "Hoop-de-doo and dickery dock"? I'll bet they thought of the "sock" line first, and then couldn't think of anything that rhymed with "sock" other than "cock". So they made up some random words instead. And then, what exactly does it mean when he says "He'll be comin' down the chimney down"? I think they just needed another syllable, so they picked a random one-syllable word. Unfortunately for them, they picked a word that occured just three words previously. In any case, it makes no sense, and it makes me crazy.

Britney Spears - Any song she ever recorded for Christmas
Every time I hear a Britney Spears holiday song (ie: My Only Wish), I come away singing to myself, not the song I just heard, but "Sometimes". This is annoying.

The version of "I'll Be Home for Christmas" at Williams Sonoma
So I may have lied - not everything at Williams Sonoma is awesome beyond belief. Their Christmas music mix is overall extremely good, with two exceptions. That awful Andy Williams thing mentioned above, and this rendition of I'll Be Home for Christmas by a woman who sounds like she was constipated on a toilet at the time of the recording. I've actually acted out my interpretation of this song for my colleagues to great acclaim. I kind of squat a little and scrunch up my face and sing along to the recording, drawing on my own past experiences in bowel difficulty. Aside from the attention I get from my performance, I enjoy nothing about this song.

Any version of Coventry Carol
This song, with its haunting melody and creepy "lully lullay" chant at the end of every verse makes me think of worms and death.

That Porky Pig version of "Blue Christmas" they play on CHFI
Enough already.

I don't want to give the impression that I am Scroogey about Christmas songs. There are many that I adore, and would sing all year round if I could! Here are some of my favourite Christmas recordings:

Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is You
This song makes me dance till I'm silly in the head. What's even better is that it also makes Eric dance till he's silly in the head. We like to put it on and dance together till we're both so silly in the head, we need to sit down for some quiet time.

John Rutter and the Cambridge Singers - Candlelight Carol, Angel's Carol
These are wonderful choral pieces by John Rutter, which we sang in high school. The melodies are beautiful, and the Cambridge Singers did recordings of them. I sing these a lot in the shower, and also in the car by myself on the way to work. This simulates early morning soprano sectionals at school where I would sing out of tune with a very tired and gross voice.

Percy Faith - Christmas Is
A cheesy upon cheesy rendition of The Christmas Song, which we also sang in choir. The sheet music was complete with stage instructions, including the point at which a young boy should run onto the stage and open a gift box containing a puppy. I don't actually have a recording of this song, I just sing it a lot - again, in the shower.

Lee Ann Womack - The Man With the Bag
This song is very jaunty and gets me jiving and boogeying. It's nice because this song is also included in the Williams Sonoma Christmas selection. I have a personal problem with the song because for some reason, I like to sing "Everybody's waiting for the man in the bag". I'm pretty sure there's no man in any bag in Christmas tradition and lore but for some reason, it seems to roll off my tongue real nice.

South Park - Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo
I find this song hilarious, and it uses the word "poo" a lot.

Happy final Christmas shopping, and may the malls and restaurants you patronize this season play all carols that don't piss you off.

Egg Fry Rings

It doesn't get any better than this. Egg Fry Rings. We used them this morning, and they rock so hard, I'm going to buy more. So that I can make 8 perfectly round fried eggs at the same time. And then eat them.

The Egg Fry Rings are a Williams Sonoma Exclusive. They are made out of a heavy duty metal, and the rings don't bend. The metal is coated with some kind of non-stick coating, and they slip right off the eggs with little resistance.

I recommend using the Egg Fry Rings with the QuickMist oil sprayer bottle. This oil sprayer distributes a lovely even mist of oil onto the pan. No more puddles of oil for me! Just a fine spray to ensure that my foods won't brown all funny and dull. This sprayer is especially good with my All-Clad double burner griddle, as the oil won't run down into the sides.

Eric and I each consumed two perfectly round fried eggs for breakfast, sandwiched between sections of fresh french baguette. It is now 10:44pm, and we returned from a big dinner at the Scarboro Golf and Country Club not long ago. However, I have just made myself another perfectly round fried egg, sandwiched between sections of fresh french baguette. The yolk burst as I took my first bite and splattered on my face. A small amount also got on my pants. I mopped off my face with the sandwich, thus salvaging the splattered yolk. I am very very full, but very very happy.

Owwwwwwwww

Christmas is fast approaching, and I have accidentally grated off a large chunk of my left index finger with a Microplane Ribbon Grater.

It was a distinctly unpleasant experience. See, we had done some employee-discount shopping at Williams Sonoma, and had invested in a nice collection of Microplane graters. Eric had a real hankering for them back in the summer and wanted one of each kind. So we brought them home, and he proceeded to try to wash them. Well, when it came time to wash the ribbon grater, the cover was stuck! Eric brought it out to the family room where I was innocently and demurely watching tv. I tried to get the cover off a few times and we agreed, it was stuck. But then I had to try one last time. I applied a steady force, and suddenly the cover wrenched loose!

Unfortunately, my left forefinger was roughly pulled by momentum right down the front of the grater. I screamed bloody murder. I jumped up and down. I cried. I don't react well to pain. I quickly ran it under some water...I don't know if I'm supposed to do that. But we had no BandAids or Polysporin, so Eric made me hold a wad of tissue tight against my bloody mangled finger while he ran out to buy some.

When we gingerly pulled back the tissue, we found that it had already crusted up onto the open wound. I had to pry it off, moaning and wheezing the whole time. A large and thick flap of skin/flesh was still attached on one side. Eric made me fold the flap down onto the wound and assured me that the skin would "reattach". I kind of think he made that up. I tried, but the skin had already started to dry out, so it was hard and not very pliable.

Then we bandaged it up, and I've been whimpering about my hurty finger ever since. I am experiencing difficulty typing, washing my hair, and doing dishes of any kind.

Speak!!

We were (I was) waiting for Rent the movie to come out for months and months! We finally went to go see it last night. You may be asking, "If you were such a Rent keener, why didn't you go when it came out on Wednesday?" In which case, I would reply "America's Next Top Model was on Wednesday, and on Thursday we had to go to Eric's parents' house for 'American Thanksgiving'. And why do you care? Why are you being an ass by asking a question like that?"

Anyway, it was really awesome. Really really awesome. It was very true to the original musical, and since 6 out of the 8 original cast members were in the movie, the music all sounded right.

And Roger was so hot. Taye Diggs also. Wow. I'm in full crush mode! As usually happens when you put gorgeous men with gorgeous singing voices in front of me. I'm especially hungry for gorgeous men who can sing because as wonderful as Eric is, he is heinously tonedeaf and has no rhythm at all. In some ways it's sad, because that's SUCH turn on for me, but in some ways it's extremely impressive, because it means he got the top job without having one of the major qualifications. Ten points for Eric! But seriously, after watching Rent, I'm kind of wishing that I had a heroin addiction so that my hot ex-junkie boyfriend would grab me by the shoulders and shake me while singing furiously.

It would appear that my fantasies have taken an odd turn.

Willing to work for discount

I'm normally a respectable lazy person, who prefers to be sitting on a couch rather than doing something active, and who prefers lying on the aforementioned couch rather than sitting on it. But offer me an opportunity to get a 40% discount on Williams-Sonoma merchandise, and I'm all over it like shit on a fat kid*!

So I decided to apply for a seasonal position at Williams-Sonoma, just for the holidays. My interview was on Saturday, and I have to be honest, I rocked it really hard. There's no way they could have NOT hired me. So my orientation is on Sunday, and I probably start working next week. I have prepared for my new job by making a list of all the things I plan to buy with my discount.

Go me!

* This expression was coined by my roommate Gloria in 2002. She liked to use sayings like "I'm all over it like a fat kid on a Smartie" and "Same shit, different hole" (which, I've got to say, is the wrong use of that saying...I'm pretty sure she meant Same shit, different PILE, because really how improbably disgusting is it that the same shit is coming out of a different hole?). Anyway, one day Gloria was about to casually toss out one of those gems in a conversation and got them muddled. Thus, "All over it like shit on a fat kid" was born. Variations include "Same shit, different fat kid" and "All over that like Smarties on shit" and "Shit all over fat kids like Smarties in different holes".

These are the things we ate this weekend

On Friday, as per Eric's post, we went to see Harry Potter. Fantastic movie, but Eric didn't wake me up from my nap until it was nearly time to go to get in line to get good seats. So once we were sitting down (next to the disgusting phlegm man), Eric went out and got:

• 2 personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut
• 1 large french fries with gravy from New York Fries
• 1 large Diet Coke

The pizzas were horrible, really nasty. The fries would have been good if it weren't for the gravy, which was really not good. The Diet Coke was normal. We ate these, with 15 minutes left till the movie started, just enough time for Eric to go out and get:

• 1 large popcorn, no extra butter on top

I don't know why Eric only got one bag of popcorn, because I feel he should know by now that I don't share popcorn. So it happened that I ate all the popcorn. And it was delicious.

Then on Saturday, we woke up and had a lot to do! I had a hair appointment at noon, so it left no time for lunch. Eric dropped me off at the hair salon and then went out and got:

• 1 6-inch Cold Cut Trio Subway sandwich

I ate that sometime in the 40 minutes that I was sitting there waiting for my highlights to lighten. Then we went to Yorkdale Mall where I had an interview for a seasonal position at Williams-Sonoma (the discount is fantastic)! Eric also bought a pair of jeans, and I picked up lipstick for my mom.

Then we went home, where we couldn't decide what to do for dinner. We had originally planned to cook something, but we couldn't think of what to cook, and since my hair had just been styled, I did not want to stand in the kitchen and make it smell like food. As a result, Eric went out and got:

• 1 20-piece bucket of KFC, with Extra Crispy skin
• 1 large cardboard container of KFC fries
• 2 small containers of KFC Macaroni Salad
• 1 small pot of KFC gravy

We happily devoured all of the chicken, minus 6 pieces. Wait a second, that can't be right...there's no way we ate 14 pieces of chicken. It must not have been a 20-piece bucket. Anyway, we ate the chicken, then loaded our grease-laden bodies into our evening finery, and proceeded to head downtown to the King Edward Hotel for the Annual John Orr Alumni Dinner and Dance, minus the dinner portion. It's a Queen's thing. Anyway, the price of drinks was horrific:

Mixed drinks: $8
Domestic beer: $6.50
Imported beer: $8
Wine: $9

I consumed 4 bottles of domestic beer, and proceeded to have a fantastic time! Oil thigh and all that.

On Sunday morning, I woke up very hungover and wanting to see my mommy. So we got dressed and went to the bowling alley where she has Sunday morning bowling league to find her. We ended up going to a fantastic northern Chinese place we used to frequent a lot, called Asian Legend. We ordered:

• 2 steamed soup-filled dumplings (6 in each order)
• 1 glutinous rice roll with meat floss
• 1 green onion beef roll
• 1 bowl dan dan noodles
• 1 mushu beef
• 1 weird porridge thing that I never eat
• 1 deep fried tofu, spicy sauce on the side
• 1 pan fried chicken dumplings (4 in each order)

I partook of all items except for the weird porridge thing. After lunch, we said goodbye to my mom and Uncle Leo, and went to a Chinese supermarket to buy a couple boxes of raw shrimp. We then proceeded to Loblaws where we picked up some other groceries.

Upon our return to the condo, we decided a fun thing to do would be to play with our slow cooker and try a chili recipe. We chopped up ingredients and browned beef, and threw everything into our slow cooker for four hours on high. Then I tried a new recipe...I had looked up a copycat recipe for Popeye's buttermilk biscuits, and I was definitely in a biscuity mood. So I mixed up some Bisquick, sour cream, and club soda. Then I brushed on a lot of butter and baked them up into:

• 8 imitation Popeye's biscuits

The texture was good, but the taste was a little "off". I plan to try again tonight, tweaking some ingredients. Then when the chili was ready we ate that with some rice. Then David and Heidi came over and we watched Desperate Housewives during which Eric ate:

• 3 scoops of white chocolate candy cane ice cream

which is a concoction of mine from last week.

And those are all the things we ate this weekend.

Eric ruined my silk top

He put it in the wash, regular cycle, detergent, fabric softener...everything except put it in the dryer. My co-worker assures me that this will happen several more times at least, and I should learn not to become too attached to my nice clothes. And while I appreciate that my husband helps with the laundry and tries his best to do a good job with them, I do reserve the right to be upset in the event of the destruction of a favoured article.

Silk top featured above in engagement portraits shot by Janet Trost

This particular top was very nice. It was a dark green bebe top, sleeveless with a plunging v-neck. The shoulder straps weren't too skinny, and while the back also plunged in the same deep v, it was not too low that I couldn't wear a bra. As a result, it made my boobs look quite good. It was sequined in a pretty pattern on the front. It looked great with jeans, a tiny tan skirt, and also black pants. Granted, I can still wear it, the only problem is that the material no longer has a lovely silky sheen to it. Now it looks like faded lumpy pyjama material.

Eric has humbly requested that I allow him to buy me a new bebe top. I suppose that under the circumstances, I must grant his wish.

Now I want a new house, too

We went to a wicked housewarming party this weekend. It was in Elmira, which is a suburb of Kitchener/Waterloo. Jordan and Lindsey (shown left, picture stolen from Chris Robb's website) bought their house back in the summer before their wedding. The house is extremo lovely, with upgraded stainless steel appliances and ceramic tile everywhere. And a 42" Sony TV! Eric immediately went to Best Buy today to see about financing options to also get a 42" Sony TV.

Now I'm itching for a house, too! I have friends buying up houses everywhere...Hilda bought a condo, Jordan and Lindsey bought their lovely Elmira home, and Rob bought a house in Ottawa. David sold his part of his condo, and while that's in the opposite direction, it still has to do with property and the buying and selling thereof. It's everything I can do to continue believing that renting is the best thing for us right now! These are the reasons: we don't want to live in hardcore suburbia yet, and we just can't afford to buy anything in this area that's any bigger than the size of a large broom closet.

Speaking of sizes of large broom closets, allow me to bemoan my ass again: We ate a very big buffet lunch today at the Hilton, and it's probably really not helping matters. It was my brother Derek's 21st birthday party, and we had a party at the restaurant at the Hilton Suites Hotel, same place Eric and I got married. My ass is still overly large, and I tried on my John Orr dress today, and it's not looking quite as attractive as I recall, due largely in part to the giant fat rolls cascading down the front of the dress, and the way my thighs are growing sideways. Eric is downstairs working out at the condo gym right now, because he has become very sensitive to comments regarding his weight, and he doesn't like his face fat. Me...well, I'm clearly sitting here on the aforementioned ass, posting to the web blog.

Anyway, congratulations on your amazing new house, Jordan and Lindsey!

Someone left the moonroof open overnight

And now the inside of our car is very wet. Is it one of those unspoken laws? Like the day that it happens to be very beautiful out will be the day you happen to leave your car out of the condo garage overnight will be the same day that you accidentally forget to close the moonroof will be the day preceding a very nasty cold bout of rain?

So you're probably wondering who it was who did this...unfortunately, it was me. Carol.

Eric is currently calling around to places that have giant industrial car dryers. There is only one he has found so far, and I am being inexplicably stubborn about taking the car in. I just don't wanna. I figure, the car will dry by itself eventually. That's why evaporation was invented.

On a happier note, today is the end of my 6 month probationary period at work! I made oatmeal raisin cookies and brought them wth me to celebrate. Word on the street is that they're awesome! People who typically ignore me are flocking to my room, "Oh hey, look at that, you have cookies!" Someone actually yelled down the hall "CAROL HAS TREATS!!" I work with a fat and greedy bunch. But now I can never be fired. Because apparently, you can be more useless than a blind monkey with no hands around here, they still won't fire you. That means that I can work with these people forever.

Eric brought me flowers yesterday because I was feeling sick. It was a terrific surprise! I wonder if he would have done it if he'd known I was going to ruin the car?

We have gained 35 pounds since our wedding

My butt is monstrous.

Welcome to our blog! Having recently embarked on the love boat known as marriage, Eric and I realized there were several things we needed: a grocery budget, a new bookshelf, RRSPs, and a web blog. We have the web blog.

We have been married for just over three months, and we have collectively accumulated 35 additional pounds in weight. Eric is responsible for 20 of these pounds, and I for 15. I am currently only able to fit into my fat jeans, and Eric is convinced that his black pants are so tight, they are bruising his internal organs. He has been complaining of stomach pains since Friday. I think he just ate too much baklava.

We were married on July 23, 2005 on a beautiful summer day. Way warm but not humid, sunny but not scorching. We were 35 pounds lighter at the time. One of our groomsmen ripped off his shirt and writhed on the dance floor at our reception, and the next day we boarded a plane and set off on our honeymoon. We then proceeded to eat France and Spain in just three weeks.

So now! We are living in our trendy condo with stainless steel appliances, and resolving every day to get to the gym. And from this day forward, we will endeavour to share our newlywedded experiences with you.